It’s normal for couples to argue about bills or money from time to time.
However, financial abuse may be indicated if your partner has begun to control all income in your relationship, discourages you from earning more money, or limits your spending.
Julie Williamson, LPC, NCC, RPT, a therapist at Abundant Life Counseling St. Louis, LLC, tells Bustle that financial abuse is when money is withheld or denied to the responsible spouse. “The goal is to gain control and dominance over the partner or own fear and anxiety about losing money.”
If you can resolve the disagreement, you probably have nothing to worry about. “However, it is important to be aware of financial abuse because financial abuse is often symptomatic of other types of abuse, such as emotional and verbal,” says Williamson. “It gives one partner power over the other, leading to a loss of trust, authenticity, and emotional intimacy in the relationship.”
More subtle indicators of financial abuse are often difficult to detect. According to a 2011 survey, only 22% of Americans considered financial abuse to be a type of domestic violence, despite the fact that it is a factor in 99% of domestic violence cases. Financial abuse is a harmful way of manipulating victims, even though it may not look like physical harm.
Talking to your partner can be beneficial if you find yourself in this situation, but if this is just another case of abuse, keep your safety in mind. And ask for help. “I recommend seeking counseling, individual or marriage counseling, from a therapist who specializes in financial abuse,” adds Williamson.
“It can help not only keep each partner safe and try to rebuild the relationship but also address the underlying issues of withholding funds from one person to another, as well as allowing the non-offending partner to advocate for themselves and healthy boundaries. Or, if necessary, talk to trusted people who can help you end the relationship. Experts have identified several indicators of financial abuse.
1 Every credit card is under their control.
Some couples decide that one partner should take care of financial responsibilities while the other does something equally important; this keeps things fair and balanced. However, in cases of financial abuse, it is typical for one partner to have inappropriate and manipulative control over all money (income, credit cards, etc.).
“If your partner refuses to give you access to credit cards or bank accounts, that’s financial abuse,” adds Williamson. “This is financial abuse because your partner takes authority over you doesn’t see you as an equal and doesn’t trust you enough to spend money in a healthy way.”
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in 2017, an abusive partner may also retain complete control over accounts and credit cards to create “enforced debt”; it could damage the victim’s credit, increase their debt, and make future purchases like renting an apartment or buying a car virtually impossible.
They can also track all your credit cards to make sure you are completely dependent on them and can’t stop the connection. Choose a good time to ask for help if you think something is wrong with you.
2 They’re weirdly offended when you spend money
Take it as a hint if your partner is irritated every time you spend money, whether it’s your own money, their money, or the “couple’s” money. This is especially true if you have started living in constant fear of how they will react.
“If you’re afraid of your partner … and you’re looking for retribution for your purchase, that’s financial abuse,” Williamson says. “You may feel tempted to hide purchases, use cash instead of credit, etc. for fear of being punished for making a purchase without your partner’s consent.”
Although many couples do the math and decide what is and isn’t worth spending money on, it is unhealthy for one partner to make all the decisions or be very unhappy or furious whenever money is spent.
3. They have complete control over your earnings
Financial abuse occurs when your partner receives your paycheck directly or deposits it into their bank account without your permission. This is true even if they portray it as a means to “help” you become more organized and teach you how to manage your money.
This can lead to long-term trust and make it much more difficult to leave a domestic violence situation that worsens. According to a 2010 survey, about 85% of victims return to their abuser, and many cite the inability to manage their own income as an excuse.
According to Angel M. Hoodye, MS, LPCS, CART, owner of Flourishing Hope Counseling, “When one person has sole control over finances, it creates an unhealthy element of control,” Bustle reports.
“While the other person is financially dependent, the individual who oversees all financial matters enjoys financial freedom and independence. The person who is being financially abused is discouraged from becoming independent by this arrangement.”
4 Their influence on your career is too great
Talking about your job prospects is perfectly acceptable, especially if you are getting married and want to be financially secure in the future. (For example, the two of you might decide not to go to graduate school until you buy a house.) But there’s a big difference between your partner giving you directions and planning together.
Ashley Bendiksen, an abuse prevention educator, tells Bustle, “A partner can take advantage of the money their partner makes, or they can use strategies to prevent their partner from becoming financially independent.” One example is a partner who affects your work in such a way that you depend on them, for example by preventing you from going back to school.
5 You are harassed at work
Another approach to limiting financial independence is to ruin your chances at work, which could lead to them showing up at your job and causing problems, making you look bad, etc.
An illustration of this type of behavior would be if the victim was physically abused before an important meeting or interview, causing them to either come unprepared or not at all. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence’s 2017 handbook, financial abuse results in the loss of 8 million days of paid employment each year.
According to Deborah J. Cohan, Ph.D., a professor of sociology at the University of South Carolina-Beaufort, “this often causes [people] to lose their jobs or cause major disruptions to their studies,” Bustle reports. “When [people who are abusive] violate their partners at work, they violate their partner’s independence and limit [their] movement within organizations in which they may have access to power and resources.” And that is not acceptable.
They spend money behind your back.
Secrecy can also be a root cause of financial abuse. Relationship expert and author April Masini, who lives in New York, tells Bustle, “I often get calls from people seeking my advice who discover their partner has opened and used secret credit card accounts without their knowledge or consent.”
Spending your own money and shopping without telling your partner is fine, but keeping things secret can cause problems. According to Masini, withholding information about shared money can be harmful. And that shouldn’t happen to you.
7 They give you permission
The way each couple divides their money is unique.
However, it’s probably unhealthy if your partner controls all the money and only gives you access to the “allowance”, especially if they dictate how and when to spend it.
The National Network to End Domestic Violence states that an abusive partner may pretend to reduce their “stress” by giving them financial control, but later the victim may discover that their accounts have been transferred and that they no longer have any control over their money at all.
“A person experiencing financial abuse is completely dependent on the source of the funds,” Hoodye says. They may be given allowances if [they] need money. They may also be subject to strict spending guidelines. They may need to provide an explanation and all proof of purchase if additional money is requested. It’s all unhealthy.
8 They won’t tell you anything
A financially abusive partner may intentionally keep you secret about bills, credit cards, and debt to gain control.
“When a person does not have information about any of the internal financial processes of their life, they are not able to practice financial independence,” explains Hoodye.
“One of the most important components of a healthy life is financial stability. When this component is out of balance, other concerns surface.
9 They often “play games”.
Financial responsibility can be shared in a healthy partnership or in an abusive way that includes manipulation and games.
As therapist Shannon Thomas, author of Uncovering Financial Abuse, says, “Hidden financial abuse is putting themselves in the role of the guardian of all money,” explains Bustle, when money can be used as a weapon. “They provide access that often involves manipulative games.
An apparent financial tyrant wants to dominate their relationship and gain power.
Although each person’s game is unique, the goal is always the same.
“The purpose of financial abuse is for the abuser to create a world that suits their needs and comfort,” explains Thomas. “Those who commit financial abuse are not empathetic or truly attached to others. People need to be aware of this type of harm because it has terrible long-term effects on its victims, both financially and emotionally.”
10 They have a huge debt that they are hiding
Discussing financial matters can be difficult. However, being open and honest with yourself is essential in long-term, healthy partnerships.
A lack of honesty can lead to what is commonly called “financial infidelity,” where one partner withholds something significant from the other or lies about their finances. For example, Tina B. Tessina, LMFT, Ph.D., a psychotherapist, tells Bustle, “You may discover debt you didn’t know you had,” which can negatively affect your relationship.
Unlike other abusive circumstances, the relationship can be saved if he learns to be more forthcoming with you about debts.
As you are both working through financial issues and developing more transparency, therapy can be key in this situation.
11 They benefit from your generosity
It is not uncommon for one or both spouses to take advantage of the other’s generosity in financially abusive relationships. So if your partner seems to be taking advantage of you financially, take it as a warning.
“It’s okay to support your partner at school or be the main support when your partner is raising the kids or temporarily out of work, but they should do something to compensate,” explains Tessina. One person may feel abused when “immature partners may see the relationship as financial support and do nothing to support themselves.”
There are many different types of financial problems, and not all of them are irreversibly damaging. “If your partner wants to control all the money, that’s a red flag of financial abuse,” Tessina explains, but in general terms.
It may be wise to seek the help of a therapist and figure out a healthy way to end the relationship if it has gotten to the point where you can no longer discuss it with your partner and it is having a detrimental effect on your life.
Editor’s note: If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or at hotline.org.
Recognizing the signs of financial abuse is crucial for anyone in a relationship. It can often be subtle and insidious, making victims difficult to identify.
If you find yourself in a situation where your partner is exhibiting control over finances, such as limiting access to funds, dictating your spending, or manipulating your income, it is essential to take these symptoms seriously. Financial abuse can lead to a significant loss of independence and confidence, ultimately affecting your emotional well-being and relationship health.
Open communication with your partner is vital, but if this proves ineffective or if you are dealing with outright abuse, your primary concern should be to prioritize your safety. Seeking professional help, whether through counseling or support groups, can give you the tools you need to deal with the situation and set healthy boundaries. It is also important to lean on support from trusted friends or family. You don’t have to navigate this alone, and taking steps to protect your financial and emotional health is necessary and empowering.
If you suspect financial abuse is taking place, consider reaching out to resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline for advice and help. Remember, acknowledging the problem is the first step to regaining control of your life and finances. Financial independence is a fundamental aspect of personal autonomy, and you deserve a relationship that promotes equality, trust, and respect.