Being in an emotionally abusive relationship; still, I wouldn’t say it was offensive at the time if you asked me.
Yes, there are problems with us. Yes, I live a miserable life and always have to tread carefully. Yes, I cry a lot and feel like I’ve lost all self-worth, but abusive? Not at all.” Warning: All the signs were there to prove me wrong. Now I know something I didn’t know before: subtle emotional abuse can be among the most painful and damaging types of abuse. loud, flamboyant, and blatantly visible of course, but as I’ve found, it can also be a steady, silent erosion of your self-worth and mental well-being.
In my experience, emotional abuse took the form of subtle contempt and gaslighting rather than violent arguments. It was also the worry that my significant other might suddenly move away and cause me to lose my heart again. When we finally divorced, it took years for me to feel like myself again.
It wasn’t until I struggled to regain my self-worth and confidence that I could look back and see how my ex had intentionally damaged and broken my spirit.
I didn’t notice the warning signs in my relationship because I always assumed that emotional abuse and verbal abuse were synonymous. As part of Domestic Violence Awareness Month in October and to make sure you don’t become a victim, I reached out to therapists to ask about the warning indicators for emotionally abusive relationships.
What they said was as follows.
01 They show you disrespect.
Anita A. Chlipala, a registered marriage and family therapist and dating and relationship specialist, says that when your partner treats you with contempt, it’s one of the telltale signs of an emotionally abusive relationship. But what does that actually mean? “Contempt comes in many forms, including hostile humor, sarcasm, mockery, and name-calling,” says Elite Daily.
Dr. Leslie Beth Wish, a licensed psychologist and relationship specialist, agrees with Chlipala that if your partner acts this way, the relationship is emotionally abusive. “Does your partner criticize you in public?” She is asking. Or be rude and tell them unpleasant and unflattering things about you?” According to Dr. Wish, “This behavior is a powerful sign because it shows you that your partner is ignoring or even failing to understand the rules of social decorum.” In that case, you should take these warning signs at face value. consideration, and therefore it is possible that he will behave much more violently at home.”
02
You get the impression that they are crazy.
Gaslighting is one of the sneakiest and most effective strategies an emotionally abusive partner can do. In case you’re unfamiliar with the phrase, Chlipala describes it as “a tactic designed to make individuals question their own reality.” Many of my clients refer to themselves as “crazy” when describing their emotional states. For example, your partner may begin to believe you when he denies something that you can see with your own eyes. Gaslighting is harmful because its main purpose is to manipulate you by throwing you off balance and making you question your own judgment and beliefs.
03 They punish and control you by detaining you.
According to Chlipala, emotional abuse sometimes stems from the inaction of the partner rather than from his actions. He says it’s known as “custodial punishment” and causes emotional agony. “Whether it’s withholding affection, attention, s*x, or money, they use withholding as a means of punishment.”
04
You’re afraid he’ll get angry.
While occasional outbursts of rage and anger are acceptable, a consistent pattern of this behavior is a classic indicator of emotional abuse and is easier to identify than other warning indicators. Although everyone gets angry and loses their cool from time to time, there are differences and Dr. Wish recommends watching your partner handle conflicts to identify them.
Dr. Wish lists temper tantrums, criticism and sarcasm, and walkouts as warning signs. He goes on to say that breaking and hitting objects — and having them do the same to you — are more indicators. Watch out for cases where the behavior becomes more violent, such as when your partner intentionally damages something nearby to scare you.”
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Dr. Gary Brown agrees. “Someone who is prone to throwing tantrums with little or no provocation can be particularly dangerous,” he writes in a blog post. This raises serious concerns. He explains this by writing, “There is a serious possibility of things getting physical. Their desire to be ‘right’ seems to take precedence over their desire to be close. Secretly, they find it hard to accept that they are flawed.”
05
They threaten you when you argue.
In fact, disagreements are a necessary and healthy part of relationships. Through them, we create and acquire our boundaries. Therefore, says Dr. Brown, it’s not so much if you fight as how you fight. He warns that using threats in an argument is a clear sign of emotional abuse. “When you’re with someone who’s that toxic … in addition to throwing tantrums, they may resort to threats,” she says on her blog. Threats can take many different forms, such as promising to leave, financial defection, distancing, divorce, physical or emotional abuse, blocking access to other family members, long-term estrangement, or promising to harm those who disagree with them.” If you are aware of this, is it time to consider whether you really want to be in this relationship and what your next course of action should be?
06 How to handle an emotionally abusive relationship
The first thing to understand if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and these signals sound awfully familiar to you is that their behavior is completely wrong and you deserve better.
Things need to change right now.
According to Chlipala, relationships can sometimes be saved if both partners are ready to take responsibility for their actions and make the necessary efforts to change them. He recommends “being very clear and concise about the behavior you find unacceptable.” End the relationship if they don’t make the changes you want. There are cases where people choose to stay in abusive relationships because they see the potential for happiness and realize that it’s not always that bad. You have to look at the positive sides of the connection as well as the whole.
Your partner must be able to change; it is not your responsibility to do so.”
The most important thing to keep in mind, says Dr. Wish, is to never make light of their aggressive actions. It’s simple because you might think you’re too special or sensitive. She warns: “Don’t fall into this trap, but if the behavior turns physically or verbally abusive, seek counseling so you can learn how to create a safe plan. Never threaten to leave, as this is usually a sign of worsening abuse.”
I understand that giving advice is easier said than done, especially if you love your husband and are hesitant to break away from him. Remember you are not alone. Ask your friends and family for help, and there are resources available if you need additional guidance.
Call 1-800-799-7233 to speak with someone at The National Domestic Violence Hotline. Happiness awaits you on the other side of the road.
Recognizing and dealing with emotional abuse can be incredibly challenging, especially when it manifests itself in subtle and insidious ways. As I have learned from my own experience, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse and often erodes one’s sense of self-worth and well-being over time. Signs such as disrespect, flatulence, and punitive withholding may seem ambiguous or trivial on their own, but together they paint a clearer picture of the dynamics of a toxic relationship.
Understanding these signs is key for anyone who may find themselves in a similar situation. Disrespectful behavior, manipulative lighting, and control are not just relationship problems, they are serious indicators of emotional abuse. Recognizing these patterns is the first step to regaining self-worth and mental health. If you identify this behavior in your relationship, it is imperative to take action. Communicate clearly what is unacceptable and seek professional help if necessary or consider ending the relationship if there is no change.
The road to healing and self-discovery after such an experience can be long and arduous, but it’s important to remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family and don’t hesitate to seek professional help to get through this difficult time. Resources like The National Domestic Violence Hotline are available to give you support and advice on how to move toward a healthier, more fulfilling life. Your well-being and happiness are worth fighting for, and there is hope and healing on the other side of this difficult road.