Navigating life after a breakup can be a turbulent journey. When we find ourselves reminiscing about the good times with an ex, it’s easy to get lost in the fog of romanticized memories. Yet these illusions of a perfect relationship from the past could be hindering our ability to move forward and create true connections in the present. Realizing the need to break free from this idealization is the first step to a healthier emotional space.
Regardless of how your relationship with your ex ended, you can start romancing them if enough time has passed. In fact, once you’ve created some distance between your past and present relationships, it can be easier to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship—remember the happy times rather than the hard ones, downplay the arguments you’ve had, and ignore any memories of drama or problems , which ultimately caused the end of your relationship.
Who would want to travel with so much luggage?
Simply put, it makes sense to think about the good times.
While there’s always a chance that this will happen, dwelling only on positive memories can have more damaging effects than simply making us want to get back together with our ex. Therapists call this process “romanticizing” a past relationship: we think of it almost like a love story in a movie, instead of remembering it as it really was, warts and all. This happens when we only remember the positive aspects of a past relationship and ignore the difficult or disappointing parts.
Romanticizing the past can also prevent us from forming new love relationships in the here and now. Research shows that when we’re attached to an idealized concept of love, we perform romanticized patterns during our dates because they make us feel good about ourselves and don’t actually lead us to true intimacy and connection (I think Ted in ninety percent of How I Met your mother).
Although it can be difficult to remember the reasons for your breakup with your ex, it is not insurmountable. You will be one step closer to experiencing real love that is based on connecting with another person, rather than chasing the ghost of a love that never fully materialized, if you commit to putting aside your dreams and remembering the reality of your time together. . This is the method.
1. Give up joyful things
Every relationship has its share of ups and downs. Furthermore, the negative aspects of your relationship will most likely outweigh the positives if you are no longer with your ex. When you’re trying to break out of a romanticized past relationship, try to recall all the negative memories: the hurtful comments the two of you exchanged, the times your ex let you down or didn’t support you, and yet another time you were downright miserable. Yes, the good times make wonderful memories, but if you ignore the terrible, you’re only deluding yourself into a falsehood.
2. Try to figure out why you feel like you miss your ex
Is there something in particular about your ex that you really desire? Do you have any other memories of them that you don’t miss when you look back on them? You have to be.
If you really think about it, you can probably think of many more reasons why you don’t miss your ex at all, like they just turned away after all the great s*x and never wanted to cuddle or be close to you. It can be easy to say you miss your ex because they were hilarious or great in bed.
3. List their pros and cons.
Lists are an excellent tool to help you move on from past relationships because they allow you to remember every aspect of your time together and also see it all on paper. So write down everything you loved about your relationship with your ex, including their support, affection and small gestures that brought you great joy.
Make a list of all the terrible things they have done, including lying to you, hurting you, and betraying you. You might get a clearer idea of ​​why you should put all your romanticism aside when you compare these lists side by side, because they have nothing to do with the experiences you’ve actually had.
4. Stop comparing your current partner to your past partner.
I don’t need to remind you that dating is hard, especially after a hard breakup, and that everyone is unique. That being said, you must always remember that this new date is not your old date. Maybe your current partner isn’t as tall as your ex or doesn’t share your passion for Truffaut movies. But is it really that important?
Chances are, your ex-partner will lag behind many of these new acquaintances in many ways. People cannot be compared because each person offers a unique perspective on a relationship. It is harmful to obsess over what your ex has to offer; it will only make it harder for you to find happiness again.
5. Look for reminders from your friends about the real experience
When it comes to past relationships, your friends and family are the people who can guide you to the truth the best because, unlike you, they remember the exact moments when you were a passionate, unhappy mess because of your ex.
Your friends can list all the times your ex missed your birthday, the numerous times they didn’t show up when you needed them, or the numerous times they vilified or used you just because they could. You can rely on your friends and family to help jog your memory for this information. This will contribute to a clearer (and more accurate) image.
6. Think of all the times you’ve had doubts about your relationship.
If your relationship has ended, chances are you’ve asked yourself at some point, “What the hell am I doing with my ex?”
They’re the memories you need to focus on, whether you thought of them after a heated argument or just in one of those moments when you just didn’t feel the same way about them as you did before.
If you’ve romanticized your relationship and forgotten all the times you looked at them and thought, “Why am I not running away from this?” You obviously had reason to think about these things at the time, which was that you wanted to end the relationship because you didn’t like it.
7. Realize that your current self is not the same as your former self
Whether we choose to admit it or not, relationships change who we are. Unhealthy relationships in particular trap and change us. To cope with our harmful environment, we adapt to it.
But after that connection ends, we are able to rediscover who we really are. We can spend more time alone and with our friends, allowing us to reconnect with the person we really are, apart from our ex. That person is usually better than who we were when we were in it. You have to judge which of the two incarnations of yourself you prefer.
8. Realize that romanticizing is common, but not always a good idea.
Everyone romanticizes the past and that’s perfectly fine. Take Brian Williams, for example, who greatly exaggerated his near-death experience – which on closer inspection was a complete fabrication. His story is, in fact, a prime illustration of the dangers of romanticism; remembering an event in a different light than how it actually happened can cause you to base your entire life on false assumptions that, while satisfying at first, eventually come crashing down when the facts are revealed.
Furthermore, while romanticizing the past in your situation wouldn’t help you lose your job, it could set you up for romantic failure. Your delusions about the past should not hinder your ability to move on and find love again.
9. Remember there was a reason you broke up.
You would still be together if your relationship was really as wonderful as it seems in your memories. This is the most important thing you should keep in mind. Despite how painful it can be to remember all the unpleasant aspects of your relationship, you should never forget the cause of your breakup. There’s no guarantee that things will be different next time, even if you do end up getting back together.
It is better to pack up these memories, say goodbye to them, and focus on the future – that is, on finding a new, true love.
Navigating the aftermath of a breakup often takes us down a path of memories of what once was. The tendency to romanticize our past relationships can cloud our judgment and paint an idealized version of what really happened. But over time, it becomes essential to separate fact from fiction, peel back the layers of idealization, and accept the reality of why things ended.
Detachment from the lure of the past allows us to focus on our present and future. It’s important to remember that every relationship, no matter how esteemed or significant it seems, has its share of flaws and problems. Accepting this truth frees us from the shackles of an idyllic past and allows us to embark on a path to true emotional connection.
The process of shifting further involves introspection and an honest evaluation of the past. Making lists, seeking reminders from friends and family, and acknowledging our own growth after a breakup are major steps on this journey. By accepting that our former partner was not the epitome of perfection, we pave the way for healthy relationships based on reality rather than romanticized ideas.
While it’s natural to reminisce and idealize past relationships, recognizing this tendency allows us to break free from the romanticized stories we’ve created. It’s about accepting the present, understanding our worth, and realizing that the breakup happened for legitimate reasons.
In conclusion, the end of one chapter means the beginning of another. Wrapping up memories, learning from the past, and embracing the prospect of new, true love is the ultimate step toward personal growth and fulfillment. The future beckons and offers opportunities for real connections and authentic experiences that transcend the illusions of a romanticized past.