That is the trap the scapegoat almost never escapes.

You tell yourself you have stopped needing their approval, and you have built an entire life to prove it, and then some ordinary Tuesday your mother sighs at you across a table and you feel the old wound open as if thirty years had not happened at all.

The secret I kept was, in part, a test I was too frightened to admit I was running.

By hiding everything, I had arranged, without ever saying so, to find out at last whether they could love me with nothing to gain from it.