So what I have arrived at, and it took a long time and it is not comfortable, is this.

I am not punishing her.

I have gone over this with a professional at some length precisely because I wanted to be sure, and the test I use is simple: I do not want anything bad to happen to her.

I have no appetite for her suffering.

When my aunt told me last year that she had had a fall, I made two phone calls in an hour to make sure she had somebody, and then I did not call her.

What I cannot do is have her in my head.