She admitted she had sometimes used the act of caring for Gabriel as a way to avoid sitting with her own grief.

Feeding someone gave her a task she could finish, unlike mourning.

I did not know how to explain why I could carry food to him when I could hardly get through a meal with you and Daniel, she wrote.

It was never because I loved either of you less.

I see now that you were waiting for reassurance I did not give.

She wrote that she had intended to hand over the cassette box when I turned eighteen, but each year found a new reason to wait.