He noticed when I was tired.

He remembered how I took things.

He warmed my side of the bed.

And all of that noticing, all of that gentleness, was in service of the killing; the kindness was not a contradiction of the murder, it was a component of it, the anesthetic that kept me from ever looking too closely at the hand that was doing the harm.

That is the thing I have had to make my peace with: that love and cruelty are not opposites in a man like that.