The relief of winning would arrive holding hands with the grief of who I couldn’t tell.

For months I waited for a day when the feelings would take turns, and it never came, and eventually I stopped waiting for it and learned to carry them all at once, the way you learn to carry a child and the groceries and the keys, because you have no other choice and the day still has to happen.

Chapter 14 — No Longer Laughing

The paramedics were coming up the porch steps toward me with their kit when my father finally lowered the phone from his ear.