I did not throw the phone across the room, though some part of me wanted to.

I did not cry, not yet.

I set the phone down, and I finished warming Maya’s bottle, because she needed to eat, and I fed my daughter while something inside me went very cold, and very clear, and very still.

People sometimes ask, when they hear this story, how I could have been so calm, how I could have fed my baby and made small talk with my husband over grocery-store flowers just hours after hearing what I heard, and the honest answer surprises them.

It was not calm.