“So you are going to do the test, and it is going to be an accredited legal test with a chain of custody and not a kit from a pharmacy, and there is going to be a piece of paper, and you are going to stop telling me that a paper is insulting, because a paper is the only thing that has ever worked on anybody in this family.”

We did it at an accredited collection site in Brooklyn on a Tuesday.

Cheek swabs, photographs, identification, a technician who has done nine thousand of them and who talked to the girls about a cartoon the entire time.

It came back in nine days.

The probability of paternity is expressed as 99.99-something per cent, which is what it always says, and which does not mean what people think it means, and which Sharon Bellweather made me read out loud in her office so that I would understand it.

The girls thought the swab was hilarious.