And then I set it down, because I have learned that rage is the one thing that can still save people like Julian — a sister who loses control, who assaults him, who makes a scene, hands a defense attorney exactly the story they need.

I have watched rage lose more of these cases than any other single thing.

A family member discovers the abuse, and they do the human thing, the understandable thing — they explode.

They confront.

They swing.

And in doing it they convert themselves from a witness into a participant, muddy the scene, give the defense a counter-narrative — this was a family in conflict, everyone was violent, who can say what really happened — and sometimes, God help us, they get themselves arrested and the actual abuser walks.

The abusers count on it, some of them.