Part of me had built a careful equilibrium over six years, a way of carrying the loss that let me function, and I knew, with the animal wisdom that lives below thought, that whatever was on that device might shatter the equilibrium and send me back down into the worst of it.

I had climbed out of that pit once at enormous cost.

I was afraid of anything that might pull me back in.

I did not yet understand that some things pull you down only to set you, finally, on firmer ground than you have stood on in years.

“Mom, what if there are videos on here?” Abigail said, not taking her eyes off the screen.

“Or voice notes.