The notice about our four-hundred-dollar mortgage increase lay on the kitchen counter just under the glass cake stand, its red warning stamp poking out from beneath the grocery receipt.<\/p>\n
I tried hiding it with a blue napkin, but one corner still peeked through.<\/p>\n
On the other side of the yellow tile, seven-year-old Sophie was carefully setting rainbow sprinkles into the thick chocolate frosting on her father\u2019s birthday cake.<\/p>\n
One silver sprinkle bounced off the rim of the cardboard cake board and dropped into a hairline crack by the sink.<\/p>\n
Sophie fished it out with a damp thumb and popped it onto her tongue.<\/p>\n
\u201cSea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don\u2019t drift away,\u201d she said, chewing on the wet ends of her brown hair.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s really smart of them, bug,\u201d I said, wiping a smear of frosting off her chin.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan we put all thirty-eight candles on it?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe just eight,\u201d I said, reaching for my favorite shrinking word before I could catch myself.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe don\u2019t want to set off the smoke detector out in the hall.\u201d<\/p>\n
I ran my right thumb along the edge of my index fingernail, feeling the little ridge in it that never quite grew out smooth.<\/p>\n
At eight o\u2019clock on the dot the heavy kitchen door swung open, letting in a cool draft from the driveway along with the strong smell of dark coffee and pricey cedar cologne.<\/p>\n
Adam put his heavy leather briefcase down on the oak bench against the wall and loosened his silk tie with one hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cThirty-eight today,\u201d he said, walking over to the counter.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t feel thirty-eight.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHappy birthday,\u201d I said, stretching up to kiss his cheek.<\/p>\n
His skin was cool from the March air.<\/p>\n
\u201cSophie helped choose the rainbow ones.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cDad, look,\u201d Sophie said, pointing a sticky finger at the middle of the cake.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s a star made of silver ones right in the center.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam reached over, plucked a little silver sprinkle off the glass tray and tossed it into his mouth.<\/p>\n
\u201cVery nice, sweetie,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t sit.<\/p>\n
He leaned back against the laminate counter and drummed his fingers on its edge in a quick, restless four-beat pattern.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow was the drive back from the Oak Brook office?\u201d I asked, putting down a small side plate for him.<\/p>\n
\u201cLong,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham kept us until seven-thirty going through the quarterly logistics projections.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe did?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe asked about you again,\u201d Adam said, laying his fingers flat on the counter for a moment before he started tapping again.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe remembered you\u2019re the librarian at the elementary school.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s only a quiet neighborhood school,\u201d I said, rubbing my thumb over my fingernail again.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s not much to tell.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham respects people who keep things in order,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
He pulled a fork from the drawer, broke off a small bite of cake and ate it on his feet.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe said he\u2019s looking for somebody.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor the shipping department, you mean?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d Adam said, turning the fork over in his hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot for the company.\u201d<\/p>\n
He took his plate and headed for the living room, leaving a thick silence behind him in the kitchen.<\/p>\n
I wiped the tile counter, picked up Sophie\u2019s sprinkle jar and looked at the clock over the stove.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
At eight-thirty I took Sophie up to her room before the chocolate frosting could harden on her knuckles.<\/p>\n
She crawled into her twin bed beneath her pink quilt and pulled her stuffed velvet dog up under her chin.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs Dad going to play the monster board game with me tomorrow?\u201d she asked, her blue eyes wide in the gentle glow of her frog nightlight.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe,\u201d I said quietly, sitting down on the side of her mattress.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s been putting in really long hours at work lately, sweetie.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe played zero games with me all week,\u201d she said, winding a long strand of hair around her middle finger.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you know a blue whale\u2019s heart is as big as a little car?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a gigantic heart,\u201d I said, smiling as I tucked the blanket snugly around her shoulders.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s bigger than Dad\u2019s new black SUV,\u201d she whispered, her voice dropping lower.<\/p>\n
\u201cI broke a little piece of plastic off the back door of his car today, Mommy.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stopped, my hand still on her shoulder.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen did that happen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen he was getting his dry cleaning out,\u201d she whispered, staring down at her dog.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt just snapped off.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t tell him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI won\u2019t tell him,\u201d I said softly, kissing her forehead.<\/p>\n
\u201cI promise he\u2019ll sit down and play a game with you tomorrow afternoon.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll make sure of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
She shut her eyes, happy with the deal, and rolled toward the wall.<\/p>\n
I pulled her door almost closed, until just a thin strip of yellow hallway light fell across her rug, and went back downstairs.<\/p>\n
The house was totally silent apart from the low hum of the fridge.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
At nine o\u2019clock, Adam was sitting at the wooden kitchen table with a fresh mug of black coffee and a second piece of cake.<\/p>\n
I cut myself a slice and sat down across from him, sliding the mortgage notice farther out of view behind the napkin holder.<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham is going through a really rough time, Hazel,\u201d Adam said out of nowhere, before I\u2019d even lifted my fork.<\/p>\n
\u201cHaving trouble with the regional accounts?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWith his personal life,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
He quit tapping on his mug and fixed his eyes on mine.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe wants a family.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He\u2019s wanted a child of his own for years.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s sad,\u201d I said, looking down at the dark frosting on my plate.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe always seems like a very polite man when he calls the house.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe needs someone to be his surrogate,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
I laid my fork back on the table with a soft clink.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, there are reputable agencies in Chicago for that kind of thing,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cBig law firms that take care of everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cAgencies take two whole years just for screening,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd Graham wants someone real.<\/p>\n
Someone he can trust, someone local who knows what family means.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sure he\u2019ll find the right person,\u201d I said cautiously.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe asked whether you might think about doing it for him,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
The words dropped onto the table between us like a heavy block of wood.<\/p>\n
\u201cMe?\u201d I said, my voice falling an octave.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam, no.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Absolutely not.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust listen for two minutes,\u201d he said, reaching past the salt shaker to grab my wrist.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m thirty-six,\u201d I said, drawing my arm back until his fingers slid off.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe have Sophie to raise.<\/p>\n
We can barely keep our heads above water with our own lives.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s exactly why you should think about it,\u201d Adam said, flipping the question back on me before I could draw another breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you think I like watching you stress over every grocery receipt and mortgage statement that comes through the front door?\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll figure out the mortgage the way we always do,\u201d I said, my thumb scraping frantically at my thumbnail in my lap.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s only a temporary rough patch.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt isn\u2019t temporary, Hazel,\u201d Adam said, raising his voice just enough to cut me off.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe new mortgage rate tacked on four hundred dollars a month.<\/p>\n
My salary in logistics is frozen until the end of the year.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe could sell the SUV,\u201d I said quietly.<\/p>\n
Adam\u2019s jaw clenched right away.<\/p>\n
His fingers started drumming hard on the side of his coffee mug.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cThe company car is part of my professional image,\u201d he said coldly.<\/p>\n
\u201cSelling it would make me look like I\u2019m failing at my job.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can\u2019t afford it, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham has money, Hazel,\u201d he said, settling back in his chair and lowering his voice until it sounded nearly gentle again.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019d pay every medical bill out of his own pocket.<\/p>\n
He\u2019d pay a standard compensation fee that could wipe out all our household debt in six months.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not having a baby for your boss,\u201d I said, looking him straight in the eye.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s completely out of the question.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam got up from his chair without a sound.<\/p>\n
He came around the wooden table and stood behind my chair, setting both his heavy hands on my shoulders.<\/p>\n
He bent down until his chin rested lightly on top of my head.<\/p>\n
\u201cI just want us to be safe,\u201d he whispered right into my ear, his coffee breath warm on my neck.<\/p>\n
\u201cEvery time one of those late notices shows up in the mail, I feel like I\u2019m failing you as a provider.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not failing us, Adam,\u201d I said, feeling the tightness in my spine ease just a little under the weight of his hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cThink about it,\u201d he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the side of my face.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust think about it for one night.<\/p>\n
For our family.\u201d<\/p>\n
He gave my shoulders a single squeeze, let go and walked out toward the stairs in the hallway.<\/p>\n
I sat by myself at the kitchen table for an hour, watching the chocolate frosting slowly set on the forgotten cake plate.<\/p>\n
At exactly ten o\u2019clock, a sudden loud metal bang came up through the floorboards from the basement.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The fourteen-year-old washer had hit its spin cycle, shaken violently against the concrete and shut itself off partway through, with a tub full of soapy water and soaked bath towels.<\/p>\n
I left the little lamp on the kitchen counter burning and went down the narrow, unpainted wooden steps to reset the machine\u2019s heavy iron balance switch.<\/p>\n
Halfway down the stairs, I froze.<\/p>\n
The basement was pitch black except for a sharp rectangle of bright blue light glowing by the storage shelves in the back.<\/p>\n
Adam was standing in the dark beside the old metal water heater, his face lit up by the screen of his phone.<\/p>\n
His thumb was sweeping across the glass in quick, jerky strokes, typing into a text thread.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam?\u201d I called, my voice bouncing off the concrete walls.<\/p>\n
He flinched, his shoulders jerking up toward his ears, and instantly flipped the phone face down against the leg of his trousers.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are you doing down here in the dark?\u201d I asked, taking two slow steps down until I reached the cold floor at the bottom.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust answering an urgent email from the shift manager,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
His voice was clipped and sharp, with none of the warm gentleness he\u2019d used in the kitchen twenty minutes earlier.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re short-staffed on the night run.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cWas that Graham texting you?\u201d I asked, looking at his darkened screen.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy would Graham be texting me at ten o\u2019clock on a Tuesday night?\u201d Adam asked, tossing the question right back at me with an icy stare.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan\u2019t I answer an urgent work email without my own wife interrogating me?\u201d<\/p>\n
He pushed the phone deep into the front pocket of his trousers and wouldn\u2019t look at me in the weak light of the stairwell.<\/p>\n
He stayed at the foot of the basement stairs another two minutes before he came back up to the kitchen.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
By four the next afternoon, the high school pool smelled of chlorine and wet concrete.<\/p>\n
I sat on the hard plastic bleachers beside two other moms, watching seven-year-old Sophie kick her legs at the deep end of her lane.<\/p>\n
Adam stood three feet to my left with his back against the glass viewing window.<\/p>\n
He never once looked at the water.<\/p>\n
His thumbs flicked across his phone in fast, sharp strokes.<\/p>\n
A green message bubble appeared on his screen every four or five seconds.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe kept her head up the whole lap,\u201d I said, pointing at the lane.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Adam didn\u2019t raise his eyes from the screen.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s great, honey.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam, look.\u201d<\/p>\n
He tapped the screen three times, swiped the app shut and slid the phone into his jacket pocket.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe was looking up at the window to see if you were watching her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was watching,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
His fingers started drumming fast against his thigh.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m just taking care of some work things for Graham before five.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOn a Saturday?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham needs the quarterly logistics schedule updated by Monday morning,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
He turned his face back to the glass, but his right hand stayed pressed to the outside of his jacket pocket, right over the phone.<\/p>\n
At a quarter to five Sophie clambered out of the pool, her wet towel draped over her shoulders like a cape.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you see me, Daddy?\u201d she asked, her teeth chattering as she gazed up at him.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cI kicked twenty times.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI saw every kick, bug,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t pick her up or bend down to touch her shoulder.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet\u2019s get to the car before traffic on Route 83 backs up.\u201d<\/p>\n
The sixty-thousand-dollar black SUV was parked in the front row of the lot, its glossy paint mirroring the gray afternoon clouds.<\/p>\n
Adam had bought it six weeks earlier without bringing me to the dealership, pulling into the driveway one Tuesday evening with a wide grin and two new sets of key fobs.<\/p>\n
We turned onto the main road.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Sophie sat in her booster seat in back, quietly twisting the damp ends of her brown hair around her index finger.<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham wants to have us over for dinner Thursday,\u201d Adam said, keeping both hands at ten and two on the leather wheel.<\/p>\n
I glanced at the glossy wood-grain trim across the dashboard.<\/p>\n
\u201cUs?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe says he wants to put on a nice meal at his place.<\/p>\n
Just the three of us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can\u2019t afford a sitter for Thursday night,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe credit card bill came yesterday.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Adam adjusted his grip on the wheel.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s offering me the regional director job, Hazel.<\/p>\n
It comes with a thirty percent raise on my base salary.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe said that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe hinted at it pretty strongly in our one-on-one yesterday morning,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe said he wants to know my family better before he makes the final call.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy would he have to meet me to promote you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause he values stability,\u201d Adam said, turning onto our street.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cHe wants to be sure the people around his executive team are supportive.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI supported you when you took the logistics manager job.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen show up Thursday,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
His voice went flat.<\/p>\n
\u201cUnless you don\u2019t want the extra thirty percent.\u201d<\/p>\n
He put the car in park in our driveway and switched off the engine.<\/p>\n
The silence inside the car felt heavy and chilly.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs the promotion the reason he asked about the surrogacy?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Adam didn\u2019t look at me.<\/p>\n
He unbuckled his seatbelt with a loud metal click.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s looking for a surrogate, Hazel.<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t order you to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe asked by way of you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe asked whether I thought you\u2019d be open to talking about it,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
He opened his door and got out onto the asphalt before I could reply.<\/p>\n
I followed him inside.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Sophie dashed straight upstairs to drop her wet swimsuit in the bathroom sink.<\/p>\n
I went over to the kitchen counter, where Friday\u2019s mail sat piled next to the breadbox.<\/p>\n
I picked up the white envelope from the mortgage company and slid out the folded letter.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe monthly payment went up four hundred dollars,\u201d I said, holding the letter out toward the sink where Adam was washing his hands.<\/p>\n
He shut off the faucet and dried his hands on a dish towel.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe property taxes were reassessed.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cWe don\u2019t have an extra four hundred a month, Adam.<\/p>\n
Not with the payment on your new SUV.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe SUV is a professional necessity,\u201d he said, turning around to face me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t pull into executive meetings with client reps in a ten-year-old sedan.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere did you even get the down payment for a sixty-thousand-dollar car?\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam\u2019s eyes narrowed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI took it out of my performance bonus.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour performance bonus in January was four thousand dollars,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cThe dealership paperwork showed a twelve-thousand-dollar down payment.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam moved closer to the counter, his fingers drumming on the laminate edge.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you\u2019re auditing me now, Hazel?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m trying to balance our checking account.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m working sixty hours a week to keep this family afloat,\u201d he said, his voice sinking into a low, cutting tone.<\/p>\n
\u201cI take every weekend shift Graham offers so we don\u2019t fall behind.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re falling behind anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd whose fault is that?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He flipped the question right back on me.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho wanted to stay part-time at the elementary school library instead of taking a full-time admin job at the district office?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSophie is seven,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe needs somebody home at three o\u2019clock.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d love to be home at three o\u2019clock,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
He came right up to the counter and leaned over the letter in my hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d love to take Fridays off and read books to third graders, but somebody has to pay for the roof over our heads.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn\u2019t fair.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m drowning, Hazel,\u201d he said, his voice softening just enough to make my throat tighten.<\/p>\n
\u201cI already feel like I\u2019m failing you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not failing us,\u201d I said gently.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt feels like I am,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
He stared down at his shoes.<\/p>\n
\u201cEvery time a bill shows up, I feel like I\u2019m letting you down.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe just have to cut back,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cCutting back won\u2019t cover a four-hundred-dollar tax jump,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He waved a hand vaguely at the ceiling.<\/p>\n
\u201cOr the roof repairs we\u2019ll need before winter.\u201d<\/p>\n
He left the kitchen and went upstairs without waiting for an answer.<\/p>\n
By eleven that night the house was dark except for the little nightlight glowing in the upstairs hall.<\/p>\n
Sophie had been asleep for hours.<\/p>\n
I lay in our bed watching the shadows of tree branches drift over the white plaster ceiling.<\/p>\n
Adam came out of the master bathroom, drying his face with a hand towel.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He crossed to my side of the bed and sat on the edge of the mattress.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry I snapped at you before,\u201d he said softly.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s fine,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not fine,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
He reached over and touched my hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m just under a huge amount of pressure at work.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham is a decent guy, Hazel,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s lonely.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s built this enormous career, but he doesn\u2019t have any family to share it with.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHaving a baby for somebody isn\u2019t like helping them move furniture, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not asking you to sign anything.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m only asking you to come to dinner Thursday and talk with him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd what happens if I say no after dinner?\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam smoothed the sheet over my knee.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cThen you say no, and we find some other way to pay off the debt.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWill saying no hurt your promotion?\u201d<\/p>\n
He hesitated a long moment before he answered.<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham wants to know he can rely on the people around him.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe bought that house in Oak Brook three years ago, didn\u2019t he?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s amazing.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Modern glass walls, custom woodwork, a giant hearth in the living room.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes he live there all alone?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAll alone,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
He tipped his head down, studying me in the dim light.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you carried a baby for him, he\u2019d cover every medical expense.<\/p>\n
On top of a compensation fee that would pay off the SUV and wipe out our credit cards completely.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked up at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow big a compensation fee?\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cFifty thousand,\u201d Adam whispered.<\/p>\n
The figure hung in the silent bedroom like something solid.<\/p>\n
Fifty thousand dollars would cancel out the four-hundred-dollar mortgage increase.<\/p>\n
It would replace the fourteen-year-old washer in the basement that died mid-cycle every Tuesday.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a lot of money,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt would change our lives,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
He reached over and stroked the side of my face with his thumb.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe could finally breathe, Hazel.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
We could take Sophie to Florida next spring like we promised her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs Graham actually going to raise the surrogacy at dinner?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOnly if you let him,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust come to dinner.<\/p>\n
Listen to him.<\/p>\n
If you feel uncomfortable for even a second, we leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at the shadow of the doorframe.<\/p>\n
I thought about the pile of unpaid bills on the kitchen counter downstairs and how coldly Adam had talked to me at the sink.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll go to the dinner.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam let out a long breath, his shoulders sinking two inches as if a huge weight had just come off his chest.<\/p>\n
He bent down and pressed his lips to my forehead.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re saving us, Hazel.\u201d<\/p>\n
He went back around to his side of the bed and got under the covers.<\/p>\n
He turned his back to me, pulled the blanket up over his shoulder and was asleep within three minutes.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I lay next to him in the dark, watching his shoulders rise and fall.<\/p>\n
The bedroom was ice-cold.<\/p>\n
I reached across under the heavy blanket, ran my fingers over his flannel pajama top and let my hand rest on his upper arm.<\/p>\n
He shifted a little in his sleep but didn\u2019t roll over.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d I whispered into the quiet, rubbing his shoulder gently through the flannel.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry I made you feel like you were carrying all this by yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
The flagstone walk up to Graham Whitlock\u2019s front door was lit by low solar lamps tucked into the expensive landscaping.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
We\u2019d parked at the foot of a long, curving driveway with not a speck of ice on it.<\/p>\n
Adam paused on the top step and checked his phone.<\/p>\n
He tucked it back into his jacket pocket and straightened the knot of his blue silk tie.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust let me handle the talking tonight,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
I looked up at the huge glass front of the house.<\/p>\n
You could see the whole first floor from outside, lit up like a modern art museum.<\/p>\n
Abstract paintings hung on bare white walls.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
A massive spiral staircase took up the middle of the room.<\/p>\n
It was a whole different world from our aging subdivision.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s just dinner,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou told me he wanted to thank us for coming out on a weeknight.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam drummed his fingers on his thigh.<\/p>\n
He reached out and pushed the glowing ring of the doorbell.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s the VP of operations,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cEverything is an interview.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Just follow my lead and agree with anything he brings up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know how to behave at a dinner party, Adam,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
The heavy oak door opened before I could finish the thought.<\/p>\n
Graham Whitlock stood in the entryway in a gray cashmere sweater and dark slacks.<\/p>\n
He smiled warmly and held out his hand to me first, skipping right past his own employee.<\/p>\n
\u201cHazel,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m so glad you could come.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stepped aside to let us into a foyer with twenty-foot ceilings.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The air inside smelled faintly of woodsmoke and a very expensive cedar-based cologne.<\/p>\n
Graham took my winter coat and hung it in a closet hidden perfectly behind a wooden panel.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam says you run the district\u2019s library program,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOnly for three of the elementary schools,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
Graham shut the panel and lined its edge up precisely with the molding.<\/p>\n
He straightened the collar of his sweater.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s no small job,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy sister teaches second grade in Boston, and she says the librarian is the only reason the whole school runs at all.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Adam stepped up and held out his own coat.<\/p>\n
Graham took it without meeting his eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks for having us over, Graham,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet\u2019s go on into the dining room.<\/p>\n
I just pulled the main course out of the oven.\u201d<\/p>\n
We went into a dining room that overlooked a dark, wooded ravine.<\/p>\n
The table was one enormous slab of raw walnut with a river of glass poured down its middle.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Graham had already laid out three square white plates and gleaming silver flatware.<\/p>\n
\u201cI made salmon,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam mentioned you like fish better than steak, Hazel.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam sat down across from me and unrolled his cloth napkin.<\/p>\n
He hadn\u2019t said one word since we\u2019d come through the foyer.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s very thoughtful,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou really didn\u2019t need to cook for us.\u201d<\/p>\n
Graham carried out a big ceramic platter and placed it dead center on the table.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He turned a silver serving spoon so its handle pointed straight at my plate.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe also told me which book is your favorite to read to the kids,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI ordered a vintage copy of A Wrinkle in Time for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I glanced at Adam.<\/p>\n
He was staring straight at Graham, his fork stopped halfway to his mouth.<\/p>\n
Graham held his gaze for a long moment before turning back to me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t need to buy me a present,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s a business expense,\u201d Graham said quietly.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cThink of it as a consulting fee for your time this evening.\u201d<\/p>\n
I tasted the salmon.<\/p>\n
It was cooked just right, seasoned with fresh dill and lemon.<\/p>\n
I wondered just how much time Adam spent talking about me at the logistics company.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam says the new software rollout is ahead of schedule,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
Adam\u2019s eyes dropped to his plate at once.<\/p>\n
Graham lifted his water glass and took a slow sip, watching Adam over the rim.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam is an extremely dedicated employee,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cHe puts a lot of time into special projects for me.<\/p>\n
Usually late on weekends when we\u2019re short on staff.\u201d<\/p>\n
I figured that meant the regional director promotion was getting closer.<\/p>\n
Adam nudged a piece of asparagus around his plate, his fingers tapping a soft, nervous beat on the edge of the walnut table.<\/p>\n
Graham reached across and moved the salt shaker half an inch to the left.<\/p>\n
He looked at Adam\u2019s hands.<\/p>\n
Adam\u2019s fingers went still instantly.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
A silent, rigid order passed between them.<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham has something he\u2019d like to talk to you about,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, really?\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet\u2019s finish eating first,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s plenty of time for business by the fire.\u201d<\/p>\n
He gave me a smile, a flawless, rehearsed expression.<\/p>\n
Then he asked about Sophie, pouring a little white wine into my glass.<\/p>\n
\u201cSeven is such a wonderful age,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam says she\u2019s crazy about animal facts.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe brings them up at the oddest moments,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll be going over the grocery list, and she\u2019ll announce that kangaroos can\u2019t walk backward.\u201d<\/p>\n
Graham laughed warmly.<\/p>\n
It sounded real.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d love to have that kind of energy in a house,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt must be so rewarding.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s also exhausting.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam cleared his throat and took a long swallow of water.<\/p>\n
Graham brought us into a sunken living room with a gas fireplace set right into a stone wall.<\/p>\n
He offered me a leather armchair beside the hearth.<\/p>\n
Adam sat down at the far end of a long white sofa, leaving as much room as possible between himself and his boss.<\/p>\n
Graham took the sofa cushion nearest my chair.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He leaned forward and propped his elbows on his knees.<\/p>\n
\u201cHazel, I\u2019m a very straightforward person,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want to waste your time.\u201d<\/p>\n
I smoothed my skirt over my knees.<\/p>\n
The fire gave off a dry, even heat that made my skin feel tight.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam told you about my personal plans,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want a child.<\/p>\n
I have the means to give a son or daughter an extraordinary life.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
There\u2019s already a trust fund set up.<\/p>\n
The schools in this district are top-notch.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe mentioned it,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe surrogacy agencies take years,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey pair you up with strangers.<\/p>\n
You never truly know the person carrying your child.<\/p>\n
Their background, their habits, their moral character.\u201d<\/p>\n
He reached over to a glass coffee table and lifted a small wrapped package.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He passed it to me.<\/p>\n
I untied the ribbon and peeled back the heavy paper.<\/p>\n
It was a lovely early edition of A Wrinkle in Time, its blue cloth cover slightly worn.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m a private man, Hazel,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want the scrutiny of an agency or a public scandal.<\/p>\n
I want a closed arrangement with people I already know and trust.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam sat perfectly still at the far end of the couch.<\/p>\n
He wasn\u2019t looking at me.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He was watching the blue and orange flames in the fireplace.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re educated, you work with children, you have a healthy daughter of your own,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I know your husband is a man with high standards.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laid the book on the arm of the leather chair.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m offering fifty thousand dollars in base compensation,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlus every medical bill, maternity clothes, lost wages and premium health coverage for a full year after the birth.\u201d<\/p>\n
My throat went dry.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
It was an enormous number.<\/p>\n
It was enough to erase the debt on the new black SUV completely.<\/p>\n
It would cover the four-hundred-dollar mortgage increase for ten years.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam said you were looking for a surrogate,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe didn\u2019t say you were looking for me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Graham looked over at Adam.<\/p>\n
Adam finally turned his head and met my eyes across the living room.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt makes sense, Hazel,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cWe need the money.<\/p>\n
And Graham needs someone he can trust completely.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you put all those financial terms into a formal contract?\u201d I asked Graham.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll have my lawyers draw up the paperwork tomorrow morning,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll have every legal protection there is.<\/p>\n
I want this to be completely aboveboard.\u201d<\/p>\n
Graham sat back against the sofa cushions.<\/p>\n
He squared the edges of an architecture magazine on the coffee table with the corner of the glass.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He folded his hands in his lap.<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you think about carrying my baby?\u201d Graham asked.<\/p>\n
I glanced at the old book resting on the armrest.<\/p>\n
I thought about the busted fourteen-year-old washer in the basement and the credit card bill lying on our kitchen counter.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need some time to think it over,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cTake as much time as you need,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis isn\u2019t a decision anyone should make lightly.\u201d<\/p>\n
He got up and went over to the fireplace, straightening a set of iron tongs that were already perfectly straight.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The drive home was dead silent.<\/p>\n
Adam steered the black SUV through our neighborhood without switching on the radio.<\/p>\n
The leather seats creaked whenever he moved.<\/p>\n
Graham\u2019s cedar cologne seemed to have clung to Adam\u2019s jacket.<\/p>\n
He turned into our driveway and shifted into park.<\/p>\n
He switched off the headlights but kept the engine running.<\/p>\n
The dashboard threw a pale blue light across his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t say anything,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I held the copy of A Wrinkle in Time on my lap.<\/p>\n
Its cloth cover smelled of old paper and dust.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou sat there and let him ask me,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t say one word all night.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI told you I was going to let him take care of it,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
He tapped his thumbs on the steering wheel.<\/p>\n
The beat was quick and uneven.<\/p>\n
\u201cFifty thousand dollars,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cPlus expenses.<\/p>\n
Do you get what that means for us, Hazel?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt means I have to go through a whole pregnancy for your boss,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt means we don\u2019t lose the house,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
He unbuckled his seatbelt and twisted around in his seat to face me squarely.<\/p>\n
\u201cThink about Sophie,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe could open a college fund tomorrow.<\/p>\n
We could replace the washer without putting it on a credit card.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cWill Graham actually put the surrogacy offer in writing?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe said he\u2019d have it drafted tomorrow,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe isn\u2019t going to cheat us.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s putting his own money on the line.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know him,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I\u2019m the one who has to go to the clinic.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m the one who has to take the fertility hormones and deal with what it does to my body.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s nine months of your life,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cFor our whole future.\u201d<\/p>\n
He reached over the center console and laid his hand on mine.<\/p>\n
His palm was cold and a little damp.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t fix this without you, Hazel,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
I slid my hand out from under his.<\/p>\n
I ran my thumbs along the edges of my fingernails.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou just bought a sixty-thousand-dollar car,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd now you want me to rent out my body to pay for it.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Adam let his hand fall back into his lap.<\/p>\n
He stared through the windshield at our dark front porch.<\/p>\n
\u201cI bought the car because I thought the promotion was on its way,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI made a mistake.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m asking you to help me fix it.\u201d<\/p>\n
The heater vent droned loudly in the quiet car.<\/p>\n
The streetlamps outside stretched long, warped shadows across our front yard.<\/p>\n
My thoughts bounced between the huge sum Graham had offered and the frightening reality of being pregnant again.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cHe does seem like a good man,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s the best man I know,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
Adam sat and waited.<\/p>\n
I sat in the passenger seat staring down at my hands.<\/p>\n
Adam sat on the edge of the sofa cushion, bent forward with his hands clasped between his knees.<\/p>\n
I told him I\u2019d do it.<\/p>\n
He buried his face in his hands for three seconds, then reached out and pulled me against his chest.<\/p>\n
He hugged me so hard my shoulder pinched against his collarbone.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you,\u201d he murmured against my collar.<\/p>\n
\u201cHazel, you have no idea what this means for our future.\u201d<\/p>\n
He leaned back, his eyes wet at the corners.<\/p>\n
It was the first time I\u2019d seen him tear up since the afternoon Sophie was born.<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham was getting so anxious waiting,\u201d Adam said, wiping the corner of his eye with his thumb.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat text you saw me reading on the basement stairs last week was from him.<\/p>\n
He wanted to know if you\u2019d given an answer yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cHe was texting you late at night about this?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe wants this baby more than anything in the world,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe was just waiting for us to decide.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe still have to talk about the budget,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd how we\u2019re going to tell my parents.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s plenty of time for all that,\u201d Adam said, getting up to get a glass of water from the kitchen.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat matters is that we\u2019re doing this together.\u201d<\/p>\n
He left me sitting on the flowered fabric of the couch, the warm imprint of his shoulder still fresh against mine.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Two weeks after that, the fertility clinic in Downers Grove gave me thirty-eight pages of forms on a heavy plastic clipboard.<\/p>\n
The waiting room smelled of fake lavender and damp wool coats.<\/p>\n
Adam sat two seats away, his thumb racing over his phone screen as he played a racing game.<\/p>\n
Question fourteen asked whether I\u2019d ever felt inadequate as a mother.<\/p>\n
Question twenty-two asked whether I\u2019d ever had sudden mood drops with no clear physical cause.<\/p>\n
I checked no for both, but my pen hung over question thirty-one.<\/p>\n
It asked whether I tended to give in to strong authority figures when I was under extreme emotional stress.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam,\u201d I whispered, keeping my voice down so the woman at the front desk wouldn\u2019t hear.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo these forms stay in the medical file?\u201d<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t look up from the game.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s just routine screening, Hazel.<\/p>\n
Every surrogate fills these out.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019re asking really detailed questions about my personality.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust put the normal answers,\u201d he said, flipping the question back on me without missing a beat in his game.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy are you turning a basic questionnaire into a big deal?\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not turning it into a big deal,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI just want to know who reads it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe clinic psychologist reads it,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you overthink every box, you\u2019ll drag this out for months.\u201d<\/p>\n
I checked no and flipped to the next page, where a dark red stamp along the top said Legal Assessment of Psychological Fitness.<\/p>\n
I signed the bottom line in blue ink, wondering whether those thirty-eight pages would stay in a locked drawer or end up somewhere else entirely.<\/p>\n
At ten o\u2019clock a nurse in green scrubs took me back to a small exam room near the far end of the long hallway.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
She told me to undress from the waist down and sit on the edge of the exam table beneath a thin sheet of white butcher paper.<\/p>\n
The paper crackled every time I moved on the cold vinyl pad.<\/p>\n
The doctor came in five minutes later with a female assistant who stood by the counter holding a tablet.<\/p>\n
The physical exam was long, silent and cold.<\/p>\n
The doctor used metal instruments that pinched and spoke only to tell me to scoot farther down the table or keep my knees apart.<\/p>\n
I kept my eyes on a tiny brown water stain in the ceiling tile right over my head.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I counted the little holes in the tile so I wouldn\u2019t focus on the pressure in my pelvis.<\/p>\n
When I\u2019d dressed and gone out to the consultation room, Adam was sitting in a leather armchair with a tall paper coffee cup balanced on his knee.<\/p>\n
Graham stood at the window in a crisp slate-colored suit jacket and straight-leg trousers.<\/p>\n
He was carefully turning a small wooden desk calendar so its edge lined up with the brass lamp.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe got you some coffee,\u201d Graham said, giving me a polite smile as he nodded at a second paper cup on the side table.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow did the evaluation go?\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was pretty invasive,\u201d I said, holding my cardigan closed across my chest.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re doing great, Hazel, just let the doctors do their jobs,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
He sipped from his cup and drummed his fingers on the arm of the chair.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe doctor says your lining looks perfect,\u201d Graham said, turning his full attention back to Adam.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can start the daily hormone shots Thursday night if the blood work comes back clean.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThursday is Sophie\u2019s school play,\u201d I said, perching on the edge of a straight-backed chair.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cThe shot takes two minutes,\u201d Graham said, his voice perfectly smooth.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam can give it to you before you head out.\u201d<\/p>\n
Neither of them asked whether I was sore, and neither offered me a hand as I sat down.<\/p>\n
By the next Tuesday evening, my lower belly felt swollen and tender, like a deep bruise that wouldn\u2019t fade.<\/p>\n
At eight o\u2019clock I sat at the kitchen counter pressing a cold, damp washcloth to the injection site on my right hip.<\/p>\n
Upstairs in her room, Sophie was playing with her plastic farm animals on the carpet.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Adam came in through the back door with a pile of manila work folders and dropped them on the kitchen table.<\/p>\n
He smelled of cold fall air and a strong, sharp cologne I\u2019d never noticed on him before.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe nausea got pretty bad around four today,\u201d I said, laying the washcloth on the granite counter.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd my lower back\u2019s been aching since noon.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHazel, it\u2019s only been five days of shots,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
He unbuttoned his cuffs and rolled up his sleeves twice.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know how many days it\u2019s been,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m just telling you what it\u2019s doing to my body.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re being dramatic,\u201d he said, turning his phone over and over in his hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham said his cousin went through three rounds of IVF and never once complained about a few cramps.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not his cousin,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that,\u201d Adam said, turning to face me with a look of mild annoyance.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut we took this on as a team, and you knew it would be uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
Complaining about every little ache just makes the whole house tense.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m just tired, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen go to bed early,\u201d he said, tapping his thumb twice on the edge of the granite.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t have to sit here making yourself into a victim.\u201d<\/p>\n
He scooped up his stack of work folders and went upstairs to the master bedroom, leaving his coat hanging over the back of a kitchen chair.<\/p>\n
I took my empty coffee cup off the counter and brought it to the sink.<\/p>\n
I ran warm water over the porcelain rim until the light brown ring at the bottom loosened and swirled down the black drain.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The faucet dripped twice into the basin before the water stopped.<\/p>\n
By ten on Monday morning, I was perched on the edge of the vanity chair in the staff bathroom behind the library reference desk.<\/p>\n
The plastic test stick lay flat on top of a paper towel dispenser.<\/p>\n
Two dark pink lines showed up side by side in the little clear window.<\/p>\n
I rubbed my thumbs across my fingernails while the control line set in the plastic.<\/p>\n
Maybe I was only imagining how quickly it had taken, but the embryo transfer at the clinic two weeks earlier had worked.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I stepped out into the carpeted hall behind the young adult section with the plastic stick wrapped in a tissue in my tote bag.<\/p>\n
Marcus, who worked with Adam at the logistics company, was standing at the main counter with a cardboard box of donated paperbacks.<\/p>\n
He jingled the car keys in his jacket pocket and set the box down hard enough to make the metal stapler rattle.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam said you\u2019d be at the front desk until noon,\u201d Marcus said, keeping his voice low between the biography shelves.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt worked,\u201d I whispered, stepping around the book return cart.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cThe official test at the clinic is tomorrow, but the home test came back positive.\u201d<\/p>\n
Marcus quit jingling his keys.<\/p>\n
He kept his eyes on the wooden counter for five seconds, and his shoulders sagged.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh,\u201d he said softly, looking at me as if I\u2019d just handed him a bill.<\/p>\n
\u201cHazel.\u201d<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t smile, and he didn\u2019t reach out to shake my hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid something go wrong with the drop-off schedule for the book drive?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d Marcus said, staring down at his boots.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cI just never thought your husband would really pull this off.\u201d<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
At noon we crossed the street to the corner coffee shop, where the lunch crowd was already packed around the little tables.<\/p>\n
Marcus fiddled with the cardboard sleeve on his hot cup while the bell over the door rang for new customers.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou seemed upset back at the desk, Marcus,\u201d I said, putting my purse on the empty chair.<\/p>\n
He bent forward over his saucer, glancing toward the window, where the street was busy with delivery vans.<\/p>\n
\u201cI saw Adam and Graham together,\u201d Marcus said, his voice so low I had to lean in to hear him.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cAt the head office in Oak Brook?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAt the Grand Geneva resort,\u201d Marcus said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis past March.\u201d<\/p>\n
I kept my hands still on the edge of the laminate table.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam was covering weekend warehouse shifts in Joliet the whole month of March.\u201d<\/p>\n
Marcus immediately jammed his hands back into his coat pockets, his keys clinking against a coin.<\/p>\n
\u201cI probably mixed up the dates,\u201d he said, staring at the sugar caddy between us.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was most likely just some regional management conference.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham doesn\u2019t hold weekend conferences for local managers,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cForget I said anything, Hazel,\u201d Marcus said, pushing his chair back from the table.<\/p>\n
\u201cI get names and places mixed up all the time.\u201d<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Wednesday at three in the afternoon, I drove six miles to a strip mall by the highway and parked in front of a glass door that read *Brenda Vance, Family Law*.<\/p>\n
The office smelled of old paper and cold tea, and Brenda sat behind a broad oak desk piled with thick manila folders.<\/p>\n
She was sixty-one, with short gray hair, and she didn\u2019t bother with a polite smile when I sat down in the wooden armchair.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cMy husband\u2019s employer gave us this draft contract,\u201d I said, pushing the heavy twenty-page document across the blotter.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe need an independent lawyer to look over the terms before I sign it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Brenda drew the papers toward her, flipped past the first three medical pages and took a red ballpoint pen out of her drawer.<\/p>\n
She read four pages without a word, her eyes moving quickly behind round plastic frames.<\/p>\n
On page seven her red pen stopped, and she drew two thick lines down the margin.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho wrote this document?\u201d Brenda asked, peering over the top of her glasses.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham Whitlock\u2019s corporate lawyers,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam told me it was written to protect everybody.\u201d<\/p>\n
Brenda took her glasses off and laid them flat on the open page.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis clause on page seven isn\u2019t standard boilerplate,\u201d Brenda said, her voice going sharp and flat.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt says that if your marriage is dissolved during or after the pregnancy, all legal rights automatically go to the intended father.\u201d<\/p>\n
I reached out and gripped the arm of the chair.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cIf my marriage is dissolved?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDivorce,\u201d Brenda said, pointing her pen at the red ink on the page.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you and Adam break up, this wording takes away any standing you have as a spouse where the baby is concerned before the birth certificate is even printed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam and I have been married ten years,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe just wants his boss to feel secure about the money side of things.\u201d<\/p>\n
Brenda sat back in her chair and laced her fingers together over her desk calendar.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t sign this until we get the dissolution clause struck,\u201d Brenda said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs it truly that dangerous?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s a legal trap,\u201d Brenda said, tapping her glasses on the blotter.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy would your husband\u2019s boss care what happens to your marriage unless somebody is planning for it to fall apart?\u201d<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
I left the contract in my canvas bag until seven that evening, when Adam sat down on the living room sofa with a glass of water.<\/p>\n
Sophie was upstairs in her room with her art supplies, singing a song she\u2019d learned at school.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I laid the folded pages on the coffee table in front of him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI had a lawyer look over the agreement today,\u201d I said, sitting down in the armchair across from him.<\/p>\n
Adam put his glass on a coaster and drummed his fingers on his thigh.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought we\u2019d agreed to use Graham\u2019s legal team and save twelve hundred dollars,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cBrenda flagged a section on page seven,\u201d I said, watching his face in the glow of the hallway lamp.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe called it a dissolution clause.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Adam\u2019s fingers went still.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s that supposed to mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe said that if you and I split up, Graham gets full legal authority over the baby,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe told me not to sign it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam tipped his head back and made a short, dry noise that wasn\u2019t really a laugh.<\/p>\n
\u201cHazel, are you honestly sitting there talking about us getting divorced?\u201d he asked, flipping the question back at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d I said, rubbing my thumb along the edge of my index finger.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cI just wanted to know why it was in the paperwork.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause Graham is spending tens of thousands on medical bills,\u201d Adam said, leaning forward over his knees.<\/p>\n
\u201cHis expensive corporate lawyers have to cover every ridiculous scenario their insurance company asks about.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBrenda said it was unusual for an ordinary surrogacy arrangement,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
Adam got up from the sofa and came around the table, planting his hands on the arms of my chair so he was leaning in close.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you telling me you don\u2019t trust me after ten years of marriage?\u201d Adam asked, his voice soft while his fingers dug into the upholstery.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cI do trust you, Adam,\u201d I whispered.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen quit letting some neighborhood lawyer bill us for pointless revisions,\u201d he said, standing up straight again.<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham is looking after our family.\u201d<\/p>\n
He went over to the leather work bag hanging on the coat rack by the front door and reached into it.<\/p>\n
He took out a flat blue box wrapped in thin paper and carried it back to the couch.<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham came by the office this afternoon and asked me to bring this home for you,\u201d Adam said, setting it in my lap.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I folded back the tissue paper and lifted out a little blue baby blanket made of fine, heavy wool.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe bought it to celebrate the good news from the clinic,\u201d Adam said, watching me touch the edge.<\/p>\n
I ran my fingers along the hem of the blue wool, feeling the soft weave against my knuckles.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe the lawyer was just being extra careful about the paperwork,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe was,\u201d Adam said, picking his glass up off the table.<\/p>\n
\u201cSign the last page tomorrow morning so I can give it to Graham at lunch.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I folded the blue baby blanket into a tidy square on my lap and pressed the soft fabric flat against my knees.<\/p>\n
At one o\u2019clock Sunday afternoon, the grass in the backyard was wet enough to soak through my canvas sneakers, but the sun lay warm on the wooden porch steps.<\/p>\n
Adam sat cross-legged on the lawn with Sophie, the bright green plastic base of the Hungry Hungry Hippos game between his knees.<\/p>\n
Sophie slapped her plastic lever down three times in a row, sending little red marbles rattling across the plastic tray.<\/p>\n
\u201cSea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don\u2019t float off in the ocean,\u201d Sophie said, her small thumb jamming down on the yellow hippo\u2019s tail.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Adam laughed out loud.<\/p>\n
It was a clear, easy sound I hadn\u2019t heard from him since before the holidays.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that so, bug?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, we\u2019re not letting this yellow hippo float off either.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat on the lowest porch step with both hands resting flat on my belly.<\/p>\n
The dull, heavy ache from the morning hormone shot was still working its way into my muscles, but seeing Adam laugh with our daughter made the soreness feel small and bearable.<\/p>\n
Adam glanced up at the steps and caught my eye, his brown eyes bright against the green grass.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cWant to play the winner, Hazel?\u201d he called.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe in a bit,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m happy just watching you two for now.\u201d<\/p>\n
He drummed his fingers along the edge of the plastic board before he took his turn, snagging two red marbles in one quick press.<\/p>\n
\u201cDad\u2019s playing for real today,\u201d Sophie warned, brushing a loose strand of hair off her chin.<\/p>\n
\u201cI always play for real,\u201d Adam said, winking up at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe have to keep the house running right.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Sophie spread her hand over the game board to count her red marbles, her fingers flying over the tray.<\/p>\n
\u201cSeven,\u201d she announced.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat means I\u2019m winning the whole tournament.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re winning this round,\u201d Adam said, propping himself on one elbow in the grass.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut your mom used to beat me at backgammon every Sunday before you were born.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe really did?\u201d Sophie asked, looking up at me with her mouth hanging open.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe did,\u201d Adam said, his voice soft and easy.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe never let me win one game back then.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cIf we win three more rounds, can we have ice cream after dinner?\u201d Sophie asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cAsk your mom,\u201d Adam said, emptying the tray for the next round.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s the one making the rules today.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOnly one scoop,\u201d I said, leaning back against the porch rail.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you finish your reading first.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam smiled across the yard and nodded once, as if we\u2019d just settled something far bigger than ice cream.<\/p>\n
By six o\u2019clock Tuesday evening, the kitchen smelled of new paper bags and chilly night air.<\/p>\n
Graham Whitlock stood at our laminate island, setting down three heavy grocery bags with neat, careful motions.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He smoothed the folded top of the first brown paper bag until its edge lined up exactly with the seam of the counter tile.<\/p>\n
\u201cI stopped at that fresh market on 22nd Street,\u201d Graham said, turning with an attentive smile.<\/p>\n
\u201cI got some wild salmon, organic spinach and those d\u2019Anjou pears you said you liked two weeks ago.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham, you really didn\u2019t have to buy all this,\u201d I said, rubbing my thumbs over my fingernails as I stood by the fridge.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s no trouble at all, Hazel,\u201d Graham said, his voice soft and perfectly polite.<\/p>\n
He took the pears out of the bag one at a time and laid them gently in the ceramic fruit bowl on the island.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cThe produce manager told me these ripen best at room temperature over four days,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou remembered that I like those?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI pay attention to details, Hazel,\u201d Graham said, giving me a calm look.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen people tell me what they need, I remember.\u201d<\/p>\n
He reached into the third bag and pulled out a long, heavy crescent-shaped pillow wrapped in clean white cotton.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis came from the specialty medical supply store in Naperville,\u201d Graham said, passing the thick pillow across the counter to me.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe clerk promised me it takes the pressure off your lower back when you sleep on your side.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I gathered the pillow into my arms.<\/p>\n
It felt solid, heavy and clean.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis must have cost a lot,\u201d I said, holding it against my waist.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was forty-eight dollars,\u201d Graham said smoothly, reaching over to nudge the salt shaker half an inch to the left so it lined up exactly with the pepper grinder.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd it\u2019s a necessary investment in your health.<\/p>\n
Adam said you were having trouble getting comfortable at night.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam said that?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cHe talks about your comfort all the time at the office,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe both want to be sure you have everything you need, every day.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you, Graham,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s really kind.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re a team now,\u201d Graham said, straightening the knot of his silk tie.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll three of us.\u201d<\/p>\n
He picked up his car keys from the counter and slipped them into his coat pocket without a sound.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll let you get some rest,\u201d he said, giving a single nod toward the hall before he walked out to the driveway.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
By nine that night Sophie was asleep in her room, and the whole house had fallen quiet.<\/p>\n
I leaned back against the headboard in our bedroom with Graham\u2019s white crescent pillow tucked behind the small of my back.<\/p>\n
Adam came in holding a plastic bottle of lotion he\u2019d gotten from the cabinet in the master bathroom.<\/p>\n
He sat on the edge of the mattress near the foot of the bed and lifted my right foot into his lap.<\/p>\n
He squeezed a puddle of lotion into his palm and started pressing his thumbs into my heel in slow, firm circles.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cHow\u2019s that pressure?\u201d he asked quietly.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt feels amazing, Adam,\u201d I said, letting my head fall back against the headboard.<\/p>\n
He smiled without looking up, his fingers working up toward my ankle with steady, careful pressure.<\/p>\n
A rich, heavy scent rose between us in the warm bedroom air.<\/p>\n
It smelled of cedar, dark spices and expensive soap.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that a new foot cream?\u201d I asked, breathing in the strong smell.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, it\u2019s the same cream from the cabinet,\u201d Adam said, running his thumbs over the arch of my foot.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cIt smells different,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cLike fresh-cut cedar.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, that\u2019s probably my new cologne,\u201d Adam said, keeping his eyes on my ankle.<\/p>\n
\u201cI grabbed a little bottle at the department store by the terminal on Tuesday.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t usually wear cologne on weekdays,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m trying to project a sharper image at work now that the regional spot is opening up,\u201d he said, moving his hands to my left foot.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs the promotion actually moving forward?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham told me today the vice president job is pretty much finalized,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
He stopped rubbing my foot and looked right at my face, his hands resting motionless on my ankle.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m trying to find my way back home, Hazel,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d I asked, looking into his dark eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean I want our real life back,\u201d he said, his voice going low.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to pay off the mortgage increase, settle the bills and quit feeling like we\u2019re barely hanging on every month.\u201d<\/p>\n
He bent forward and rested his forehead gently against my shin under the blanket, staying perfectly still for three seconds while I reached out and touched his shoulder.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019ll all be worth it soon,\u201d he whispered against my leg.<\/p>\n
\u201cOnce October gets here, everything calms down.\u201d<\/p>\n
At eight o\u2019clock Wednesday morning, the old washer was thudding steadily in the laundry nook in the basement.<\/p>\n
I stood over the plastic hamper, sorting Adam\u2019s work clothes for the morning load.<\/p>\n
I picked up the dark blue button-down he\u2019d worn home from the office Tuesday night.<\/p>\n
The moment the fabric passed my face, that heavy smell of cedar and dark spices hit me again, thick on the collar and the shoulders.<\/p>\n
I patted the front chest pocket to make sure he hadn\u2019t left any pens in it before I tossed it in the drum.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
My fingers brushed a stiff, folded piece of paper tucked deep in the lining of the inside breast pocket.<\/p>\n
I took the paper out and unfolded it next to the shaking machine.<\/p>\n
It was a printed United Airlines travel receipt, folded into a tight rectangle.<\/p>\n
The top line showed two first-class seats booked on a flight from Chicago O\u2019Hare to Aspen, Colorado, leaving on October 14th.<\/p>\n
The total printed in bold black near the bottom came to three thousand two hundred forty dollars.<\/p>\n
The payment line showed a credit card number I didn\u2019t know, ending in four digits that weren\u2019t on our joint bank account.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I read the departure date printed across the middle of the page three times.<\/p>\n
October 14th was exactly four days after my due date at the hospital.<\/p>\n
A sudden, warm rush of relief filled my chest.<\/p>\n
Adam was planning a surprise getaway for the two of us.<\/p>\n
He\u2019d booked a whole week in the Colorado mountains for the two of us, right after the surrogacy was over and the baby had gone to Graham.<\/p>\n
He\u2019d kept it secret because he wanted to surprise me with proof that our marriage was about to start fresh.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He\u2019d used his own private savings or a new card so he could lock in our future without touching the monthly household budget.<\/p>\n
I carefully refolded the flight confirmation along its neat creases, pressing the corners flat with my thumb.<\/p>\n
I took the receipt up to our bedroom, opened the walk-in closet and unhooked the little wooden corkboard hanging behind his work suits.<\/p>\n
I picked a round green thumbtack out of the tray on the shelf and pushed it firmly through the top corner of the Aspen receipt.<\/p>\n
I pinned the flight paper right next to our framed wedding picture and the school district work calendar.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I stood in the soft, dim light of the closet and smiled at the printed numbers.<\/p>\n
Thursday afternoon the temperature dropped sharply.<\/p>\n
I parked the old sedan near the clinic doors, pulled my coat tight against the wind and went in for my twenty-four-week checkup.<\/p>\n
The waiting room smelled of industrial cleaner and stale coffee.<\/p>\n
I checked in at the front desk, handed over my insurance card and turned to look for a seat among the rows of empty plastic chairs.<\/p>\n
Adam and Graham were already there.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
They were sitting side by side on a little leather sofa in the far corner, paying no attention at all to the TV on the wall.<\/p>\n
I stopped beside a rack of old magazines.<\/p>\n
Adam reached over and fixed the collar of Graham\u2019s pale blue dress shirt.<\/p>\n
He smoothed the expensive fabric down along Graham\u2019s neck, his fingers staying on the cotton a second longer than they needed to.<\/p>\n
Graham murmured something I couldn\u2019t make out, his whole body completely at ease.<\/p>\n
Adam nodded and smiled, a real, warm smile I hadn\u2019t seen at home in months.<\/p>\n
\u201cReady?\u201d I asked, walking over to them.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Adam yanked his hand back.<\/p>\n
He drummed his fingers on his knee, his jaw going tight.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re late, Hazel,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ve been waiting fifteen minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTraffic on Twenty-Two was backed up by construction,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe if you left a bit earlier, you wouldn\u2019t hold up Graham\u2019s whole afternoon,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe has meetings to get back to.\u201d<\/p>\n
Graham got to his feet.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He buttoned his suit jacket and gave his flawless, courteous smile.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s perfectly all right, Hazel,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know how unpredictable the roads around the school can be.<\/p>\n
Please sit and get off your feet.\u201d<\/p>\n
The nurse called my name before I could sit down.<\/p>\n
In the exam room, I hauled myself up onto the paper-covered table.<\/p>\n
The paper crackled loudly under me.<\/p>\n
The technician squirted cold blue gel onto my swollen belly.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
She moved the plastic wand around until the steady sound of a heartbeat filled the little room.<\/p>\n
Graham moved closer to the monitor.<\/p>\n
He rested his hand lightly on the back of Adam\u2019s chair, standing right behind him.<\/p>\n
\u201cGrowth is right on target,\u201d the technician said, pointing at the screen.<\/p>\n
\u201cStrong heartbeat.<\/p>\n
Everything looks perfect for twenty-four weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s wonderful news,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
He reached over and lined up the technician\u2019s extra bottles of ultrasound gel in a perfectly straight row on the counter.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cEverything is going exactly the way we planned, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust the way we planned,\u201d Adam said, staring at the black-and-white screen.<\/p>\n
I watched the monitor and the tiny shape moving inside me.<\/p>\n
The hard table made my lower back ache.<\/p>\n
I wanted my husband to come stand next to me and hold my hand, but both his hands lay flat in his own lap.<\/p>\n
At nine that evening, I was wiping down the kitchen counters with a wet sponge.<\/p>\n
Sophie was already asleep upstairs, worn out from a long afternoon at the park.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Adam came in through the garage door with a thick manila folder.<\/p>\n
He tossed his keys on the island and opened the fridge.<\/p>\n
\u201cGraham\u2019s coming by tonight,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
I quit wiping the granite.<\/p>\n
\u201cTonight?<\/p>\n
It\u2019s after nine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe has to drop off the final hospital insurance forms,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
He pulled out a bottle of water, twisted off the cap and drank deeply.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cCouldn\u2019t he just hand them to you at the office tomorrow morning?\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam shut the fridge harder than he needed to.<\/p>\n
The condiment bottles clattered on the door shelves.<\/p>\n
He drummed his fingers on the stainless steel handle.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you seriously going to complain about the man who\u2019s paying your enormous medical bills?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s giving up his own evening to make sure you\u2019re fully covered for the delivery.<\/p>\n
Maybe a little gratitude would be in order, instead of always hunting for a problem.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI only meant it\u2019s late,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m tired.<\/p>\n
The baby\u2019s pushing hard on my ribs.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen go to bed.<\/p>\n
You don\u2019t have to entertain him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you two going to be up long?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe have important logistics to go over,\u201d Adam said, tapping the manila folder on the counter.<\/p>\n
\u201cGo get some rest, Hazel.<\/p>\n
You have to keep your stress down for the baby.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I rinsed the sponge in the sink and set it out to dry.<\/p>\n
The new blue baby blanket Graham had bought was folded over the back of a dining chair.<\/p>\n
I touched its soft edge as I passed and went upstairs to change into my thick flannel pajamas.<\/p>\n
I lay alone in bed, listening to the silent house.<\/p>\n
Downstairs, I heard a car pull into the driveway.<\/p>\n
Heavy footsteps crossed the tile in the entryway.<\/p>\n
I shut my eyes and pictured the two plane tickets to Aspen pinned to the corkboard in my closet.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I told myself Adam was only overwhelmed by everything on his plate.<\/p>\n
He was working incredibly hard to land the regional director promotion for our family.<\/p>\n
Everything would be fine.<\/p>\n
I just had to be patient.<\/p>\n
At two in the morning a dry tickle in my throat pulled me out of a deep sleep.<\/p>\n
I sat up in the dark room and reached for the water glass on my nightstand, but it was empty.<\/p>\n
The spot beside me in the bed was empty too.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The sheets on Adam\u2019s side were stone-cold.<\/p>\n
I swung my feet to the floor and padded out into the hall in my thick socks.<\/p>\n
The house was totally silent except for a low, steady murmur of voices drifting up from the kitchen.<\/p>\n
I crept down the wooden stairs, staying close to the wall to dodge the creaky boards.<\/p>\n
I stopped at the very last step.<\/p>\n
The hallway outside the kitchen was pitch dark.<\/p>\n
One wedge of yellow light fell across the hardwood floor from the kitchen doorway.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I held my pregnant belly and moved closer to the edge of the light.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have to be patient just a bit longer,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
His voice was low and smooth.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m trying,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut living in this house every day is smothering me.<\/p>\n
I smell her cheap vanilla shampoo in the shower.<\/p>\n
I trip over her shoes in the mudroom.<\/p>\n
I just want to be in the new house with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I went rigid.<\/p>\n
My right hand clutched the drywall.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe nursery will be done by October,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe contractors are painting the trim this week.<\/p>\n
Everything\u2019s in place.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe keeps asking about our future,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI bought those Aspen tickets for our anniversary trip, exactly like you told me to, but I had to hide the receipt in my pocket.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAspen will be lovely,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cJust the three of us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to wear the cologne you got me,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI had it on Tuesday night and she noticed right away.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen don\u2019t wear it again until the parentage papers are final,\u201d Graham said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can\u2019t afford any careless slipups now.<\/p>\n
If she suspects anything, she could make legal trouble over the birth.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe doesn\u2019t have a clue,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe thinks I\u2019m angling for a regional director job.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Graham laughed, a soft, rich sound that bounced off the tile floor.<\/p>\n