I want that on the record, because there was a version of me that wanted to, that had wanted to since the moment I saw my mother on her knees.

But I had learned, in six years of hard rooms, that the people who have already lost do not need your help understanding it.

So I simply stood on the lawn, quiet, and I watched.

I watched the new locks go into the doors, one by one.

I watched the security system get updated so that every alert, every camera, every emergency contact now pointed to my phone and my phone alone.

I watched the security team take up their positions along the perimeter of the property.