When it comes to divorce and co-parenting, navigating the complex dynamics can be challenging—especially when ex-spouses don’t see eye-to-eye on what’s best for their children.
Some families manage to maintain friendly relations, others struggle to find common ground. But what happens when your ex starts expecting more from you than you’re willing or able to give and begins to blur the lines between co-parenting responsibilities?
One mother who worked hard to maintain a civil co-parenting relationship with her ex-husband for the sake of their children recently found herself in a situation that left her wondering where to draw the line.
She shared her problems anonymously online, hoping to learn from others who may have faced similar issues. The response she received was overwhelming, and many offered valuable insights into how to deal with an ex who is trying to push the boundaries of co-parenting into uncomfortable and unfair territory.
When parents cannot agree, divorce may seem like the best solution to prevent the conflict from affecting the children. Some individuals manage to remain friends with their exes, while others cut all ties. This mother, who managed to maintain a cordial relationship with her ex-husband, now finds that his expectations are crossing the line, prompting her to seek anonymous advice online.
In an online forum, she shared her experiences about the difficulties she faces in co-parenting.
My ex-husband (40M) and I (35F) share two children (12 and 11M). We divorced about ten years ago because I felt that he started to backslide as a husband and father during my second pregnancy.
His behavior worsened after the birth of our younger son as he acted more like a carefree young adult than a father. He spent more time hanging out with his friends than with us, and his friends started treating me more like his mother, expecting me to pick him up from their homes whenever they had other responsibilities.
After the divorce, he fought for 50% of the maintenance that he originally did not receive. For the first two or three years, he had every other weekend and a two-week summer period with his children, in addition to alternating vacations. Over time, he became more involved and eventually secured 50% custody. That’s when I learned he fathered a child with another woman and realized he needed to increase his responsibilities with three children.
He eventually gained full custody of his third child and later remarried. Together with his wife, they now have two children and support two other children who do not live with them. However, they continue to provide for the needs of these children.
Although things between my ex and I became friendlier over time, his marriage began to deteriorate. As his relationship with his wife deteriorated, he began to treat me as a co-parent to all of his children. He started taking his other children to custody exchanges and expected me to interact with them. He also asked me to babysit him and his wife, which I declined. Furthermore, he noted that my children’s old clothes were sent to his house for his other children, implying that I should make sure they were dressed adequately.
I explained to him that I was responsible for my two children, not his other children and that there was no “we” in this situation. His response was that as a co-parent I was obligated to help care for all of his children. The situation came to a head when it was time for back-to-school shopping. I bought school supplies for my kids, but he complained that I didn’t buy enough for all five kids and pointed out that the supplies wouldn’t be enough to split evenly. I stood firm and reminded him that I only have two children and I bought supplies specifically for them. I emphasized that I was responsible for my children and that he and his wife should take care of their own children’s needs.
He argued that they didn’t have much money, but I refused to accept that as an excuse. I told him that his financial difficulties did not make him responsible for his other children. He then claimed that when we co-parented, I should help raise all five children. He accused me of being cold for distancing myself and not being more involved.
Her post on Reddit sparked a wave of reactions from others sharing their thoughts on the matter.
One commenter suggested: “I would tell him, ‘If you expect me to financially support your other children, you will need a court order ordering me to do so. Until then, I only take care of MY children.’ You have decided to have more children with someone else; I don’t.”
Another person shared their experience: “Be careful. My cousin’s ex-wife tried to ask for more child support because she had more children. You need to be aware of what is going on in your ex’s house with your children. Therapy for your children may also be necessary to ensure they are honest with you. I wouldn’t recommend sending him home any things you buy for your kids, especially expensive things. You don’t want them to be expected to share everything.”
Several people commented with similar advice: “Keep saying, ‘We don’t have five kids; we have two.’ He seems to think that any children he is responsible for are automatically your responsibility, but they are not. You are not selfish or uncaring; he’s just trying to manipulate you.”
Someone else commented, “What happens when your kids get old? Will you be expected to buy cars for his kids as well? is out. Make sure your kids know their stuff is theirs and you don’t have to share everything.”
Another commenter echoed the sentiment: “He’s entitled. You are only responsible for your own children. His other children are his responsibility. Don’t let him trip you up with guilt.”
The final suggestion was, “If he wants you to help him with the other children, tell him you will take full custody of your sons and he can pay you child support. So he and his wife will only have to look after their own children.”
The responses overwhelmingly supported the mother’s position, reinforcing that she is solely responsible for her children and that her ex is overstepping when he tries to involve her in the care of his other children.
In conclusion, the mother’s situation highlights a fundamental problem in co-parenting after divorce – understanding and respecting the boundaries of each parent’s responsibilities. While it is natural to want to promote the well-being of all children involved, it is important to remember that each parent is only responsible for their own biological children.
Her ex-husband’s expectations to help care for and support his other children, even though he and his wife are fully capable of doing so, are unreasonable and manipulative.
Advice from the online community emphasizes the importance of keeping clear boundaries and not being blamed for taking on responsibilities that aren’t hers. As difficult as it may be, standing firm within these boundaries will protect both her financial stability and her emotional well-being.
Ultimately, it is vital that both parents take responsibility for their own children and respect each other’s roles in their lives without overstepping or making demands that are not fair or appropriate.