It is essential to realize that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to relationships and each couple must find what works best for them. The key is open communication, empathy and a willingness to explore and adapt to each other’s needs.
My husband and I have lived together for the past 7 years, but for 7 of those years we have chosen to sleep in different beds. This choice was not made because we have a history of fighting or because we have children (we don’t), but rather because it aligns with our personal tastes. This may not seem important at first glance.
What’s the harm in staying in separate bedrooms or forgoing family outings? Our satisfaction is our top priority, above anything else. In practice, however, you may encounter cultural biases as you set the rules for your marriage and wonder if you are going against the grain.
Why did we start doing this?
I once thought I had retired with a partner, but when I woke up I was alone in bed. He was sound asleep on the couch when I snuck into the next room. I thought, “Well, I’ll deal with it in the morning.”
The next morning at breakfast we had the following discussion:
I misplaced you last night. You went to another room, but why?
You know, I had trouble falling asleep. Every time you moved, your rocking, twisting, and noisy breathing irritated me.
-Okay, I understand now. I never realized how loud I was breathing.
The next night the same thing happened again. I realized we needed to talk about it, so I did. During our conversation, we discovered that it was difficult for us to sleep together.
My lover remembered all the previous arguments that had erupted due to his lack of sleep: his snoring, my disturbing his sleep, and the resulting anger. I would snore occasionally, which would wake me up, and I had trouble getting back to sleep. The heat or one of us getting up to get a glass of water often causes the other to wake up. I once had a strange dream where I even poked my partner in the eye.
We also realized that we have pretty varied sleep routines. My work schedule at the time was quite flexible, so I could work most efficiently at night and in the evening. I could enjoy reading books and watching movies until midnight and get up between 9 and 10 in the morning. However, my partner needed a good night’s sleep as he had to be at work at 9am.
However, none of us were able to sleep more than 6-7 hours due to the sleep problems we had sharing a bed. As a result, we both became more agitated, worn out, and wary.
So we decided it would be best for us to sleep in different bedrooms; luckily we had plenty of room for that. I’ll be honest: at first I didn’t look at separate sleeping the same way as my friend. I found it a little strange because I was used to the idea of ​​couples sharing a bed. In my parents’ case, they didn’t start sleeping apart until after their 25th wedding anniversary. But my partner thrived in this new arrangement; he went to bed much faster, got up without difficulty, made us breakfast and started his working day with a cheerful outlook.
In the end, our disagreements were almost over. Most of the reasons for our conflicts disappeared and we both noticed a noticeable improvement in our overall calmness. In addition, we began to work together more productively than in the past, when it was difficult for both of us to get up and pull ourselves together.
What experts in the field think about it
I decided to research this topic in the scientific literature. At that time I discovered the book Two in a Bed: The Social System of Couple Bed Sharing by renowned sociology professor Paul C. Rosenblatt. According to Rosenblatt’s research, sleeping in the same bed often causes psychological problems and can even worsen conditions such as insomnia.
The researcher spoke to many married couples and found that the bedroom often becomes the “center of tension” in the home. Couples regularly argue over seemingly minor things, including whether or not dogs are allowed in bed or whether food in bed is appropriate.
In addition, many arguments about the blanket and other problems such as snoring, watching TV or lighting the phone screen lead to confrontations. Couples also commonly argue about the temperature in the bedroom; some want a warm environment while others prefer a cooler one. The professor says that sleeping apart is usually an easy way to solve this problem. However, people have a hard time getting rid of the misconception that sharing a bed is fundamentally more natural.
Dr. Neil Stanley, another sleep specialist, gave a speech at the British Science Festival that emphasized the selfish nature of sleep and advised against sharing it with anyone.
Psychologists say that men can be bothered when they have to share a bed with someone. It is instinctive for them to protect their resting place from potential danger. As a result, a man finds it difficult to relax at night when someone is around him. The problem is that sharing a bed makes it difficult for the nervous system to relax and get enough sleep. Interestingly, women are less affected by this phenomenon than men, as they are generally better equipped to cope with these difficulties than men, for whom sleeping alone is much more pleasant. While I cannot vouch for the ultimate truth of this statement, it was true for my lover.
I learned this from women’s forums where the general consensus was that sharing a bed was horrible. The following arguments were made: What about proximity? How about kissing? Everyone warned me that having different beds would signal the beginning of the demise of our relationship. Here is a typical answer to similar questions:
I’ve learned from a lot of comments that we still cling to outdated preconceptions about bed sharing. Our ancestors firmly believed in a number of signals and superstitions that can threaten a marriage. Withholding sleep until all disagreements are resolved is what sticks in some people’s memories. They tried to follow a simple principle: if something is done by the majority, it must be right. It’s very confusing to think about not traveling together or sleeping alone.
Sincerely, I used to think there was nothing surprising about relationships in the 21st century. However, I was definitively refuted! Sharing a blanket and a bed is still considered quite significant.
I’ve noticed that many famous people also like to sleep alone. Think George and Amal Clooney, who like to sleep separately. They decided to do this because George often snores loudly, which interferes with Amal’s ability to sleep well.
In addition, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones decided to sleep in different bedrooms. When Catherine once stated that she wished to avoid making her husband uncomfortable, they therefore decided to sleep separately. Perhaps this arrangement helped them maintain a happy marriage for 19 years.
How our connection developed
My husband and I decided to sleep in different beds for seven years, which made our lives much better. We haven’t experienced any obstacles in our relationship, that’s why I’m confident. In fact, after being separated for about five years, we decided to get married. Being able to sleep comfortably in different rooms promotes independence in my opinion, because everyone likes a little downtime.
Regards, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m having trouble dozing off when I’m cuddling. It goes without saying that loving someone means wanting to sleep in the same bed as them. However, we have developed a routine where we go to our rooms, kiss and say goodbye before bed. Additionally, we make it a point to cuddle and sleep together during the day to make up for the lack of physical touch.
When traveling we choose to sleep in the same room rather than book two different rooms. We are trying to get a room with two single beds. In addition, since one can always take a nap on the beach or at any other convenient moment, it is not so important to achieve healthy sleep while on vacation.
What about our friends? They form two groups. Some of them expressed skepticism and said they would find it difficult to fall asleep without their husbands’ cuddles. But others said, “Wow, that’s fantastic! We can’t try that because of our small apartment.”
Dealing with our family members proved to be a bit more difficult. My mother-in-law was quite depressed and expressed her sadness and said it was terrible that we couldn’t sleep together anymore. Live as you like, but don’t forget to bring two sets of bedding when you come to us, my mother said.
One of the most important conclusions I have come to is that every relationship is different and that there is no set recipe for creating a happy family. If you have anxiety and know exactly how to improve the problem, it is essential to engage in an open discussion with your partner. Participate in long arguments, keep calm and explain your point of view. It is best to avoid these discussions during a heated argument as it will only make things worse.
Although it may seem obvious, many people have neglected the importance of couple conversation. Make sure your husband understands that your choice is not motivated by personal reasons, but rather by your need for comfort. Insist that your spouse tries to understand your point of view. If one of the spouses in the relationship does not agree with this idea, it might be worth looking into a possible solution, such as sleeping separately for a few nights a week.
If everyone had to follow the same rules in order to live happily, it would probably be excellent. But this is not feasible. And each couple must discover their own path to relationship harmony. For example, some people feel comfortable with a significant age difference between couples. Others postpone marriage for a long time. Others don’t even require marriage to demonstrate their love for each other. After all, everyone’s level of happiness is different.
Sleeping apart does nothing to hinder our intimacy or connection. On the contrary, it allowed us to appreciate the moments together even more. We have learned that true love and a successful relationship transcend social norms and stereotypes. As we continue our journey together, we embrace the uniqueness of our partnership and cherish the bond we share.
So if you are faced with a similar decision in your relationship or considering unconventional choices, don’t be afraid to accept what is right for you. Your happiness and well-being are top priorities, and there’s no shame in planning a path to a fulfilling and fulfilling life together. In the end, it’s the love and respect you have for each other that really defines the success of your union.
While society may have its expectations and opinions, remember that your relationship is yours alone and it is your mutual understanding and love that will lead you to a happy and fulfilling life together. Embrace your uniqueness and cherish the bond you share with your partner, because true love finds its deepest expression in accepting the individuality of the other.