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Raising children is challenging, from convincing them to brush their teeth to mustering the strength to cope with the daily grind. However, in my years as a mother, very few things have proven more difficult than trying to explain to children why a family member has died. Death itself is a challenging, terrifying, and devastating experience.
We fervently wish to protect our children from this and do not want them to have to think about it. Getting them to realize this is a difficult and daunting task.
Explaining practically anything to a child is bullshit. Maybe they will understand it to some extent, maybe not. Maybe what you say will pique their interest enough to listen, or maybe not. You hope they react correctly. Moreover, it is possible that they will spend days, weeks, or even months completely absorbed in what you have told them. So you can see how discussing death can be a bit risky, especially when combined with your own pain and loss.
Because it’s a difficult topic and I think we can all benefit from our experiences, I asked other mothers to share their stories about how they’ve discussed death with their children.
“Laurie”
“There have been several deaths in our family in the last few years. We had a low-key funeral for my aunt when she was five years old. After she got sick, Aunt G passed away and is now in heaven. My daughter took this direct response. We applied that too for another death. It was more difficult for her to understand that a baby had recently died in our family. We talked about what had happened, how everyone loved the baby, and that it was right to be still raising the baby, which was four months ago, but mainly to ask if my cousin – the child’s mother – would soon give the ‘child in heaven’ siblings.’
Helen
“We’ve reached out to a few of them. We can put it simply: their bodies just fell out.”
Terry
“I’m afraid I didn’t explain my husband’s death well to my toddler because I was too young and too depressed. He seemed to accept it. However, the cat did not fully understand the effect my father’s death had on her until it was moved up, nor did I understand how blindly I was grieving.
Erin
Unfortunately, two great-grandmothers, with whom my children had a close relationship, died. We also kept things straightforward and only said that although sickness and death may occasionally occur in one age, the deceased have now entered paradise. We invited you to be depressed, cry, and question.
Last year we brought our 3 and 5-year-olds to my grandmother’s funeral and the 5-year-old still comments on how wonderful it was to honor her life. They knew a lot more than I expected.”
Tracey
“Within 14 months, my 6-year-old boy lost his great-aunt, grandmother and grandfather.
I told him that although they are now in paradise, we will meet them again in the future. That’s what happened to him and he’s fine. He does not mention them. Strangely, we lost a dog and a cat in the same time period. He’ll cry sometimes as he talks about them all the time and how much he misses them.”
Renee
Unfortunately, we have been through a lot in the last year. My mother passed away unexpectedly in January 2017. This led to many questions [from my 6-year-old], difficult discussions, and tears. My mother-in-law passed away last week after a long illness and now everything is coming back. One of the behaviors we experience is “abandonment”. They are really afraid that we might disappear and never come back. She won’t play alone and sleeps with us. It will take time and I am thinking of getting her into therapy so she can talk about her loss. We’re all trying to understand life in a different way right now, but I don’t have a solution.”
Rachel
“My boys were one and three when my grandfather died. We explained to the kids that being dead means your body has stopped working; this usually happens when you’re old and worn out (think Velveteen Rabbit), but it’s also possible. get sick or seriously injured and die at any age. Even though they are no longer with us, we will always have memories of them, so it is acceptable to be depressed and grieve for them. Last week when we had to have our senior dog, they said we’re pretty much the same. There’s no discussion of the afterlife in our house because we’re atheists.”
Emily
“During my children’s short lives, we have experienced a large number of deaths of close family members.
We explain death as a natural part of life, something we don’t always expect.
We must try to feel and hear the deceased because when they die, we can no longer see them. Every year on their birthday and their yahrzeit, which is the Jewish equivalent of the anniversary of their death, we celebrate them. We try to teach children that even when the body dies, the spirit lives on in us. They are always with us. It takes away some of the melancholy and constancy.’
“Angelica”
“I let my wife do the hard work and I learned how important it is to understand your boundaries, especially when you’re grieving when you’re trying to explain my father’s death to my children. I’ve tried many times to have a discussion, but I’ve never been able to. ” to do it. He was gone and [my wife] was a damn angel when she told our kids who are 5 and 7. We sat down to discuss what death means after she gave the news, and we got pretty candid. the fact that we really don’t know and that the thought also scares us. We don’t practice any religion, but we introduced the concept of heaven and we just stopped. We also discussed the idea that we can never truly lose a loved one because they will forever be a part of our hearts and memories and made it clear that we always loved talking about how much we miss and love Grandpa.
Marcia
“I was just talking to my 6-year-old about this last night. [My child] asked her grandmother who was visiting where her father was (he died two years ago). Since our family is not religious, we discussed how everything in the universe, including people and objects, is made of tiny little atoms. And how the atoms of the dead are used to create new things, so the individuals we’ve loved and lost are all around us. Grandpa Jimbo could be in this blanket and is she with me when I wrap myself in her?” she asked, clearly enjoying the concept. We also discussed how it feels to have the people we love still in our memory when we think of them… As an adult, it’s a concept that really comforts me.”
Discussing death with children is undoubtedly one of the most challenging conversations a parent can have. It’s a delicate balance between wanting to protect them from the harshness of loss and helping them understand the natural part of life. These heartfelt stories from different mothers reveal the different ways families approach this sensitive topic. From straightforward explanations to connecting the concept of atoms and memories with the presence of lost loved ones, each family navigates this territory uniquely, taking into account their beliefs, experiences, and understanding of children.
These reports show the importance of honesty, openness, and comfort in discussing such a difficult subject. Parents try to provide explanations that are relatable and comforting to their children, often drawing on their own beliefs and experiences. Additionally, these stories highlight children’s resilience and innocence, their ability to process and question complex issues, and the need for ongoing support and guidance in coping with loss.
Ultimately, there is no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to explaining death to children. Each family finds its own way, taking into account its values ​​and the age and understanding of the child. These shared experiences highlight the importance of communication, empathy, and finding comfort in memories as families navigate the delicate terrain of loss and grief.