As we navigate the tangled web of family relationships, our connection to our mother often shapes our earliest perceptions of the world and ourselves. It becomes our first guide in understanding love, value, and our place in the world. Yet when the mother has narcissistic traits, this core relationship can become a battleground for emotional well-being and self-identity. The impacts reverberate through every aspect of a child’s life and profoundly shape their emotional resilience, interpersonal relationships, and self-perception.
The bond with our mother usually serves as a blueprint for healthy interactions and emotional regulation. However, growing up with a narcissistic mother can disrupt these crucial developmental milestones and leave permanent scars. A nurturing environment that should foster self-worth, confidence, and emotional intelligence can instead become a breeding ground for anxiety, depression, and a pervasive sense of inadequacy.
Mothers are people with whom most of us communicate for the first time in our lives. We initially began to gain a sense of self-worth, self-esteem, confidence, and emotional intelligence through her care, support, love, and attention. However, narcissistic parents can negatively disrupt this process of personal growth.
The close bond with our mothers serves as a model for positive social interaction, showing us how to build relationships, empathize with others, and value the people in our lives. However, being in an abusive relationship or one with toxic emotional undertones increases our chances of developing anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and low self-esteem. If you often remember hearing comments like “Oh, you poor thing” or “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Did I hurt your little feelings?” or more generally, “Why can’t I ever be good enough?” it is possible that your mother is narcissistic.
Narcissist: what is it?
The word “narcissism” is often used to describe someone who seems overly self-absorbed. Narcissism is seen as a spectrum and most people fall somewhere in the middle, just like most other personality traits.
It is possible to have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is the extreme of the spectrum.
In reality, NPD is relatively rare. An exaggerated sense of self-importance, a strong need for excessive attention and admiration, problematic relationships, and a lack of empathy for others are typical. Only a mental health professional can make a diagnosis.
Although on the surface, individuals with NPD may appear to have a lot of self-confidence and self-esteem, this is not the case at all. These people are extremely sensitive to even the slightest criticism due to their extremely low self-esteem, so they go out of their way to improve their sense of self. To achieve this, people with NPD often try to surround themselves with people they see as exceptionally talented or unique and constantly seek out exaggerated praise and attention from others.
Those who suffer from NPD may exhibit the following traits:
A cocky sense of importance
obsession with idealized visions of infinite prosperity, strength, intelligence, beauty, or perfect love Belief that one is unique and can only relate to or understand other unique individuals or organizations
An immense amount of admiration
Feeling entitled (to preferential treatment)
Exploiting other people
Absence of compassion
Envy directed at others or feeling that one is envied
haughty or conceited actions or attitudes.
NPD can negatively affect a person’s career, relationships, and even money. They tend to be extremely dissatisfied and disappointed if they feel they are not getting the attention they think they deserve. Being around these people is often uncomfortable for them and they often find relationships unfulfilling. Although they have the potential to be successful, their performance suffers from an inability to accept criticism.
They may back down or feign humility when faced with failure or criticism.
Substance abuse, mood disorders, and anxiety disorders are more common in people with NPD, possibly due to their tendency toward impulsive behavior and shame.
Although the exact cause of NPD is still unknown to psychologists, psychotherapy can help patients connect with others more empathetically.
However, individuals with high levels of narcissism often exhibit strong defensiveness and find it difficult to admit that their behavior is problematic, making treatment challenging.
What does a mother with narcissism look like?
Being the child of a narcissist can be extremely challenging and even dangerous for their mental health, as narcissism in motherhood can manifest itself in many different ways.
A typical trait of a narcissistic mother is to minimize her children’s achievements, feelings, and emotions. A narcissistic mother will ignore her child’s attempts to reach out to her when she is upset or feeling hurt, refusing to provide support or guidance. In certain situations, a mother may tell her child that they are being too dramatic or sensitive because she herself has hurt their feelings.
In order to control the situation and determine what emotions are appropriate for their children, narcissistic mothers minimize their children’s feelings, which ultimately prevents children from being able to recognize their own feelings.
Children raised by narcissistic mothers are constantly confronted with the question, “Will I ever be good enough?” This is because, despite her child’s best attempts to impress her, she always finds a way to criticize them. She embarrasses her children in an attempt to make them fight for her love because she is always looking for validation and approval.
What are the possible statements of a narcissistic mother?
Although a narcissistic parent can say a lot of things. Psychotherapist Lena Derhally suggests some possible things they might say:
“It wasn’t like that. It must have been in your imagination.”
“I do so much for you and you never show appreciation!”
“You should try to emulate your [someone else’s]. They are really amazing.”
“Why can’t you get over it anymore?”
“Stop wasting time. You’re probably not ready for this.”
“You’re always so busy with your own life that you don’t even think about me.
“I’m so tired of doing everything for you.
“You’re gaining weight and soon you won’t be able to fit into your new clothes.”
“I’m going to have to punish you if you don’t do exactly as I say.
“Shut up. Your opinions don’t matter to anyone.”
“It’s your fault I have to punish you.
“I’m busy, can’t you see? I don’t have time for you right now.”
“I won’t even ask! No, is the answer.”
“I’m the only person who could ever truly love you.
“I gave up my whole life for you and you only care about yourself!”
“You’d be so pretty if you just lost a few pounds.”
“I will never understand how I gave birth to a child like you.
“What is wrong with you?”
“Are you tired? How do you think I feel? I do everything around here.”
“Thanks for the cooking—even if it’s not very good.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.
Sibling rivalry
Children of narcissistic mothers may develop sibling rivalry, which may eventually result in the breakdown of their bond.
This is due to the fact that these mothers encourage rivalry between their children, often leading one or more of them to believe that their sibling or brother is the preferred child. A child who feels unworthy and unworthy of love will eventually become jealous of his sibling.
Rivalry With Her Descendant
This is what you might call the “prettiest of all” complex, and it’s especially prevalent in daughters of narcissistic mothers. The NPD mother often sees her daughter as a threat and feels that she must overcome her in order to gain the respect of the other men in their lives, such as their husband, father, and brother.
Her ambition to put her daughter first could also cause her to sabotage her friendships and relationships with other family members, both male and female.
In charge
Mothers with NPD often see their daughters as extensions of themselves. She said this means their child must always look and act their best. An NPD mother will want her daughter to choose the friends, boyfriend, hobbies, and jobs she would choose, as well as to dress and act like her.
She hopes that by taking a “my way or the highway” attitude to motherhood, she will make her daughter even more dependent on her by undermining her ability to recognize her own preferences and make decisions without consulting her. If she tries to make decisions other than her mother’s wishes, she may face harsh criticism and a tough power struggle.
Persona in public and private space
A narcissistic mother presents a completely different image to the outside world. She often gives the impression that she has it all – the ideal marriage, the ideal children, and the ideal career.
She is admired and envied by her peers, who will never think of her as anything other than a sympathetic, understanding, and all-around wonderful wife, mother, and friend.
The narcissistic mother has created this public persona that is self-sacrificing, loving, supportive, hard-working, and charitable because image and status are extremely important to her, even though at home she is emotionally unavailable, manipulative, manipulative, and malicious.
Related: Exposure to narcissistic abuse can lead to anxiety disorders
What effects does maternal narcissism have on children?
Children can suffer serious and long-term consequences from a mother who shows no empathy at all and seems unable to love them. Without the affection and emotional support of their mothers, children often experience grief for unknown reasons.
Children of narcissistic parents have higher rates of anxiety and depression, which can have a number of detrimental effects on their mental health.
As adults, children raised by narcissistic mothers may have problems in their relationships. Because they don’t think very highly of themselves, they often have negative thoughts like, “If my mother can’t love me, who will?” which cloud their mentality and prevent them from forming meaningful relationships with other people.
When a child experiences maternal narcissism, they often excel academically but never feel worthy of the recognition they receive for their achievements. They will place a high value on appearance because they have learned that appearance is everything and are likely to be very critical of their appearance and body.
Finally, because they have always been forced to do what their mother wanted, children of narcissistic mothers may never develop a true sense of self and may never learn to recognize or trust their own feelings. Because of this, as they age, they can become incapacitated by self-doubt, which hinders their ability to succeed in all areas of their lives, including relationships and careers.
It’s not your fault, your mother
Instead of the opposite, it is very typical that the child of a narcissistic parent supports his parent [8]. It is important to remember that you are valuable, that you are not a slave to your mother, and that if you are the child of a narcissistic mother, you must put your own needs first.
Also, remember that you are not responsible for your mother’s actions or how she treats you. Her actions are a result of the inner turmoil she’s going through, not because you’re not good enough. NPD is a legitimate mental disorder.
Recovering from maternal NPD can take time and effort, as it can cause severe emotional and mental trauma. Talking to a mental health professional can help you recognize and understand that the messages you are getting from your mother are false if you are experiencing feelings of rejection and shame.
Then, to help develop a sense of self-worth and increase your self-esteem, you can work to replace the critical motherly voice you’ve adopted with self-nurturing thoughts.
The impact of a narcissistic mother on a child’s life is profound and multifaceted, touching every aspect of their emotional, mental, and social development. The consequences can be lasting, from damaging self-worth to affecting relationships and career paths. The journey of healing from the scars caused by maternal narcissism is challenging, requiring time, self-reflection, and often professional guidance.
Realizing that one’s worth is not defined by one’s parents’ inability to provide love or appreciation is essential. Seeking therapy or counseling can help break free from the internalized critical voice and cultivate a healthier self-concept. It is vital for those affected to prioritize their well-being and understand that they are not responsible for their mother’s actions or emotional state.
Healing involves replacing the harmful beliefs instilled by the narcissistic mother with self-compassion and affirmation. Embracing personal growth, fostering self-worth, and developing a sense of self separate from the influence of the narcissistic figure are key steps on this journey. With time, patience, and the right support, individuals can learn to redefine their sense of worth and create a healthier and more fulfilling life outside the shadow of maternal narcissism.