The journey of raising a child is a complex and demanding task. In the past, the responsibility of childcare often fell solely on the mother’s shoulders, but societal norms have shifted over time. In today’s world, where both parents are often employed, seeking additional help becomes essential to maintain a balanced household and care for the baby. Family members can often be a saving grace in such situations. However, as in Amy’s case, this can sometimes present unexpected challenges and dilemmas that require thoughtful resolution.
Dear Amy, thank you for reaching out to us. At NISE, we have carefully reviewed your situation and compiled some helpful advice for you to consider.
Understanding the Motivation:
It is important to try and comprehend why your mother-in-law is requesting payment for taking care of her granddaughter. Considering her recent retirement, experts suggest that retirees often have concerns about their financial stability. This might explain her unexpected request. To gain clarity, initiating an open and honest conversation is crucial, leading us to the next step.
Open Communication:
Schedule a calm and mature conversation with your mother-in-law to express your feelings openly. To facilitate a productive dialogue, we recommend a three-step approach:
Step 1: Avoid assuming your mother-in-law’s reaction will be negative.
Step 2: Share your feelings without feeling the need to justify them. For example, express “I feel misunderstood” instead of “I feel misunderstood because you asked for payment…” This approach invites your mother-in-law into a discussion without triggering defensiveness.
Step 3: Highlight what you appreciate about her involvement rather than dwelling on what you perceive as shortcomings.
Weighing the Options:
Consider the advantages and disadvantages of relying on qualified professionals versus caring relatives. Hiring a certified babysitter may be more expensive than the amount your mother-in-law is requesting. Reflect on what arrangement would make you and your husband most comfortable. It is worth remembering that your mother-in-law successfully raised the person with whom you plan to spend your life, indicating her competence in parenting.
Exploring Alternative Solutions:
Although nurseries present a potential solution, it’s important to consider the advantages and disadvantages they bring. On the positive side, nurseries provide structured care and early childhood education. However, it’s crucial to acknowledge the potential drawbacks, such as the higher financial costs and the added stress that can come with managing childcare arrangements outside the home. Furthermore, there may arise situations when your daughter needs to remain at home, necessitating immediate and reliable childcare arrangements. In such instances, having a dependable family member who can readily step in becomes an invaluable support system.
Acknowledging the Value of Grandparental Care:
Although many grandparents do not expect financial compensation for babysitting, it is reasonable to acknowledge and compensate them for their time. Taking care of a child can be a demanding full-time job, involving tasks such as feeding, changing, and constant supervision. These responsibilities can be particularly challenging for elderly individuals.
We sincerely hope that these suggestions help alleviate your situation and lead to an improved relationship with your mother-in-law. We invite you to share your experiences with seeking assistance when caring for your child and how you would handle a relative’s request for payment in exchange for childcare.
I can relate to this Mother in Law. When my grandchildren were young, my daughter expected me to be their caregiver from the time I got home in the evening until I went to work the next morning. She would take my car and leave as soon as I got home. After she was married, they both expected me to babysit any time they wanted to go out, which was often. When I told them I consider this to be taking advantage, and it’s unfair. ( I literally had no life outside of work and caring for the kids). They tried to shame me with I should be happy to spend time with my grandchildren. I raised my own kids, a single parent of 4. I told them I enjoy spending time with my grandchildren, but it is not my job to be looking after them every night, or even 3 or 4 nights a week.
My feelings on this. I have been watching my grandkids for years. If you both work and are lucky to have her babysit then why doesn’t she deserve to be paid. I agree with her 100%. I never got paid and I regret not asking. What is better for your daughter, Grandma or daycare. You are so lucky you have her. Just my opinion.
Don’t have kids. Especially if you can’t raise them yourself. Why have kids that someone else will teach things instead of you. Mother in laws are not willing to care for you child as they’ve raised theirs already. I’m sure this was hard for them as well. Another annoying thing is these folks that milk the taxpayers for pay to keep their grandkids or elderly parents. Why is it their responsibility to pay for you. Shouldn’t be allowed. If you can’t take care of your own yourself put them where someone can and is getting paid for this already. Like a care home. And don’t have kids until you’re financially able to stay home with them. Raise your kids. They need watered not just planted here.
Lol
We gladly payed my mother to retire and keep ours. It gives her a financial security blanket, keeps her out and active and gives my kids a known safe place with no worries of them being around drugs or other influences unknown to us. They’re developing a bond that they’ll never forget.
If that was her intention, she should have made it clear when she offered, this already shows deceit and alternative intentions.
Find a good day care or carer. The complications eliminated are worth it a thousand times over
I have children, I have grandchildren and great grandchildren. I love them all. I also worked until I turned 67. I never asked anyone to babysit without paying them. PERIOD.
If she’s asking to be paid she probably needs the money. Whatever they pay her will never be as much as day care costs, plus their child is with family — someone who loves them more than a paid day care worker. Not that day care workers don’t love their clients but it is not the same. The mother-in-law has to pay for gas (very expensive), keep their schedule (something that retirees thought was over), give up on the plans she had to do things after retirement. On the other hand, she gets to spend time with the grandchild she loves and watch him/her grow up. Surely, the care of their child by the grandmother is worth at least some kind of payment —