Have you ever paused to consider whether a sudden shift in your s*x life might be more than just stress or a busy schedule?
While it’s easy to chalk it up to daily pressures, a noticeable decline in intimacy can sometimes indicate deeper emotional or relational concerns. For many couples, how often they’re intimate isn’t just about physical desire—it’s often a subtle reflection of how emotionally close or distant they feel.
But how can you tell the difference between a temporary lull and a sign of underlying issues? And can intimacy ever serve as a distraction rather than a solution? Let’s explore what relationship experts have to say about s*xual patterns in happy couples—and why frequency isn’t the whole story.
After navigating a few long-term relationships myself, I’ve learned that intimacy goes through seasons. There’s the flirtatious beginning, followed by the passionate honeymoon stage, and eventually, you settle into a more predictable rhythm—think cozy nights in, not wild escapades.
So once couples start living together, how often is intimacy actually happening? You might assume familiarity breeds boredom, but in a healthy relationship, that’s rarely the case. That said, don’t expect daily fireworks—anyone who thinks cohabitation equals nonstop passion hasn’t watched s*x and the City closely enough.
In the movie version, each of the iconic New York women opens up about their s*x lives. Miranda reveals that she and her husband, Steve, hadn’t been intimate in half a year. Her reasons? Juggling work, raising a toddler, and caring for her ailing mother-in-law. Samantha and Carrie react with concern, while Charlotte stays composed and offers a reminder: “Every couple is different.”
It’s the kind of wisdom that echoes what Dr. Carolina Castaños, a licensed clinical psychologist and marriage therapist who created the MovingOn recovery program for those healing from heartbreak, shared with me. While Charlotte didn’t consult her, I did—and she affirmed the idea wholeheartedly. “There is no one-size-fits-all,” Dr. Castaños emphasized. (And truthfully, Charlotte would be the type to consult an expert.)
According to her, the strength of a couple’s s*x life has less to do with how often they have s*x and more to do with the emotional foundation supporting it. “Some couples are intimate daily and still feel emotionally disconnected. Others may only have s*x once a week but feel incredibly bonded,” she explains. “True intimacy comes from emotional security and mutual affection.”
So why was Miranda and Steve’s dry spell such a red flag? Aside from the obvious tie-in to the show’s title (s*x and the City), it’s because intimacy—or the lack of it—often reflects the deeper emotional climate of a relationship.
Does Frequency Really Count?
There’s no fixed benchmark for how often couples should be having s*x, but most relationship experts agree that physical intimacy plays a significant role in romantic bonding. Dr. Castaños likens it to taking a vitamin: not absolutely essential every single day, but beneficial to your overall emotional wellness. “It’s not like food or water—you don’t need a specific dose. But it definitely contributes to emotional intimacy,” she notes.
Wondering If You’re Having Too Little?
It’s easy to feel pressure when others share what’s “normal” for them—but s*x is deeply personal. No one outside your relationship can define what’s right for you. Still, Dr. Castaños warns that if a couple goes longer than a month without any intimacy and there are other signs of disconnection—like irritability, avoidance, or increased emotional tension—it could be worth examining.
In Miranda and Steve’s situation, the absence of s*x wasn’t the issue in itself—it was a symptom of deeper disconnection. Steve eventually cheated, but the couple pursued therapy, identified the underlying problems, and worked on repairing their relationship. When intimacy fades, it’s often a sign that communication or emotional support has broken down.
Can You Go Overboard?
Absolutely—and it’s not just about how often, but the motivations behind it. “People sometimes use s*x as a way to cope with internal emptiness or anxiety,” Dr. Castaños says. Since s*x can release oxytocin and reduce cortisol, it can feel like a quick fix for stress. But if s*x becomes a way to dodge emotional conversations or cover up unresolved conflict, it can start to feel hollow.
When intimacy becomes a substitute for emotional closeness, rather than a reflection of it, that’s when things go off track. “It stops being about connection and starts being about filling a void,” she adds.
Interestingly, studies show that s*xual satisfaction has a much stronger link to relationship happiness than the frequency of s*x alone. In fact, as Dr. Castaños points out, the emotional fulfillment tied to s*x is three times more predictive of relationship satisfaction than how often it happens. So yes, having frequent s*x can be healthy—like Samantha—but only if it’s rooted in genuine emotional connection, not as a stand-in for it.
Final Thoughts
Ultimately, there’s no universal rule for how often happy couples should be having s*x. What truly matters is the emotional depth and connection behind those intimate moments. Dr. Castaños reminds us that fulfilling s*x comes from a place of emotional trust, mutual respect, and clear communication—not just physical desire. Whether your relationship mirrors Miranda’s temporary dry spell or Samantha’s high frequency, the real measure of a strong partnership is how meaningful that intimacy feels. So stop counting how often—and start asking how connected you feel. Because in the healthiest relationships, s*x is a celebration of closeness, not a way to compensate for its absence.