It’s a story that many won’t fully understand unless they experience it themselves – the complex mix of emotions that accompany the loss of a child.
At first glance, grief may seem like just grief, but in reality, it is much more multifaceted. It is a struggle, a journey, and sometimes a strange sense of relief. As a mother, you want nothing more than to protect your child, but when the child is gone, you are left with an overwhelming mix of emotions that cannot be put into words.
It’s something no parent should ever have to face, yet it’s a reality too many have to endure. This is the story of my daughter, Mrs. Deborah James, and the impact of her life—and death—on all who loved her!
As I held my daughter’s hand during her final moments, I felt a mixture of sadness and relief. My energetic, bubbly girl was gone and so was her suffering. Being the mother of a deceased child is a daily challenge, but today the pain is especially sharp.
Even though one of my children is no longer here, I will always be a mother of three. My thoughts are with my grandchildren today who have lost their incredible mother. It breaks my heart that they can no longer send her a card, a gift, or just feel her hug. I can only love and support them for the last 21 months.
Five and a half years after I was diagnosed with colon cancer, my eldest daughter, Dame Deborah James, died aged 40. It’s still hard to fathom the world moving on without her. She was a force of nature from a young age.
Deborah was diagnosed in December 2016 aged 35 with two children aged just 9 and 7. She was a healthy, active woman who did not smoke or eat meat. Still, she was losing weight, had bloody stools, and felt tired. At first, the doctors thought it was stress or IBS so it was a shock to hear she had cancer. I believed he would have surgery, undergo chemotherapy,y and recover soon.
However, further tests revealed that the cancer had reached stage four. Deborah was brave and determined, which didn’t surprise me – she just was. She didn’t just want to face her illness; she wanted to help others.
She was determined to raise awareness about cancer, its symptoms, and the importance of listening to your body. She dreamed of a better world for her children. She began writing for The Sun and created the Bowelbabe blog after her diagnosis.
Deborah went on to co-host the popular podcast You, Me, and the Big C, worked with The Sun to lower the NHS screening age, pushed for regular check-ups, and talked shit as part of her mission. Her children were always her top priority. She envisioned a future where they wouldn’t have to worry about cancer.
Deborah eventually moved in with us and we spent seven precious weeks together. It was a special time full of love. She planned movie nights and even threw a surprise engagement party for her 33-year-old brother Ben and his fiancee. When Buckingham Palace announced she would be a lady, Prince William stopped by for tea.
It was a bittersweet time, full of joy and sadness, and I will cherish those memories forever. Deborah and I couldn’t sleep so we stayed up most nights talking. We were afraid that he wouldn’t wake up the next morning.
We talked for hours. I assured her that she was strong and promised to be there for her children. It felt like I had my little girl back—she always relied on me as a child, and our bond grew even stronger in those moments.
I held her hand as she died. After all she endured, I am thankful that her final moments were peaceful. The first year after her death, I was busy and focused on helping Deborah’s husband, Seb, and their children through the overwhelming grief.
However, I never really dealt with my grief. On the anniversary of her death, I suffered severe panic attacks that kept me indoors. All the emotions I’d been suppressing for a year came crashing down, leaving me physically and mentally drained. I reluctantly started taking anti-depressants, but talking about Deborah and looking at her pictures also helped me heal.
At the beginning of this ye,r I started to feel better. We recently celebrated Sarah’s 40th birthday and my son Ben is getting married in April. We miss Deborah so much at these milestones, but we know she would want us to enjoy them in her memory.
Although Deborah is no longer with us, her spirit lives on in her family, especially her children, and in the legacy she left behind through her awareness campaigns and fundraising efforts.
In the face of tremendous grief and loss, Deborah’s legacy will live on through the love she shared with her family, the cancer awareness she raised, and the lasting impact of her efforts to help others.
Although her physical presence is no longer with us, her spirit continues to guide and inspire those who knew her, especially her children who carry her memory forward. While the pain of her loss will never go away, the love and strength she left behind offer comfort and a reminder to cherish every moment. Deborah’s courage, determination, and selflessness will forever be etched in our hearts.