I should have been able to simply feel glad the house was safe.

Instead I felt glad the house was safe and, in the very same breath, wanted to tell Declan the house was safe, and remembered that I could not, and the two feelings arrived together and would not separate.

That was the cruelest small lesson of that whole season — that there is no clean room in your heart to feel one thing at a time.

The joy of my daughter’s heartbeat on the monitor would come braided together with the fact that her father would never hear it.