And this is the cruel mechanism by which parentification so often happens: not because a parent does not love their child, but because a parent is so overwhelmed by their own crisis that they lose, temporarily, the surplus capacity that noticing requires.

A drowning person cannot save anyone else; they can barely save themselves.

I was drowning, and in my drowning I failed to notice that my daughter had quietly appointed herself my lifeguard — had taken on the job of saving me precisely because she could see that I could not save myself.

So my regret is real, but it is not simple.

I do not think I was a bad mother during those months.